Jumble

There's this invisible circle around me that I would not people to intrude. It feels like an invasion of privacy and trust, especially if you come up to me and peek at my screen or ask me what am I doing on the computer.

There's this rage that will suddenly build inside me, for some reason.

Don't trust what I'm doing with the computer? Gah.

Privacy, please. I'm someone who prioritises her space quite a lot.

You know that confused and let-down mind when you search desperately for something, but can't seem to find it anywhere? That distant feeling of disappointment. 

I used to search for it inside books, but they don't give me what I want. They're too extreme.

Then I shifted my search to movies. Some are nearly there, but they still miss that little something, the element that they included to be accepted to the mainstream crowd. Too mainstream. They can't give me what I want. I'm plenty disappointed with these at first seemingly different, meaningful movies but in the end, they give the same thing, don't they? Isn't there some wicked sick film or book that'll tell me something queer, something different, something off the beaten path? 

I'm becoming part of the mould now. More and more of it. I'm beginning to get affected by those menial, useless emotions that I've made myself immune to in the past. Vulnerable, again! But I need to pull, that thread to push me back to reality when I wander too far into my own thoughts and vortex, lost to the world. I want worldly things, but I don't want to use worldly ways, or necessary methods to obtain it.

Short cut.

Dream on.

I have to rearrange my thoughts and emotions before talking to anybody.

Evil, depressing thoughts, leave me alone.

It's self destruction here. I'd rather be destroyed by someone else.

I'm fine, I'm fine. Ignore me Just had to let out some negative emotions.

Peculiar

That sentimental, saddening and despair you feel is sometimes rather soothing. Probably a product of touching movies, sad songs and emotional thoughts. Tear inducing, heart aching. Your view of the world, slightly hazy, tinged with sadness, lacking of hope and vigor, yet with the touch of relief as you decide to accept reality as it is. The bleak truth, it's there, nothing else we can do, except to stand there, hands in pockets, stare at it with tere rolling in your eyes, a desolate smile hanging on your mouth. Yes, that's it, how it's going to be, and I'm ready for what comes next. Accepting the truth.

Curb

It's tiring to be good to nice sometimes.
Don't dare to judge because? Because you're at fault too. Judging only makes you the bad guy. But you need someone to hate, despise, blame on? No, it'll make you evil.

Hey jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey jude, don't let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey jude, begin,
Youre waiting for someone to perform with.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you'll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh.

Na na na na na ,na na na, hey jude...


Why must songs all be about romance?

CEASE

All these tiny blips and trips. Obstructing my view, only serving to make me more self- absorbed then ever. When was the last time I thought about something else? Other than my own faults, my own desires, my own views, my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own business. I understand that these thoughts are uncontrollable and dominating, without sorting them out you can have no peace of mind to do anything else. But is it really worth it? Do you think that much thinking and worthless worrying will bring you anywhere? Yield any results?

No.

Sometimes I just feel like screaming my lungs out at some desolate place, or lie on a beach, listen to the soothing waves crashing at my feet, without anyone to disrupt me, except for those I feel utterly at home with. Watching movies takes my mind off things, but then I sink into the danger of thinking that I'm part of a movie, I'm the protagonist, and I'm lost. Requiem for a dream, why does it tempt me? Because the filiming techniques exactly portray how I'm feeling most of the time. Lost in my own world, walking through the crowds, unsure of what I am doing or how I am living. It's not healthy, this obsession with hypnotising( not literally, just stuff that make me lost in it) movies and music. Depression signs in, I get more lost then ever.

I'm human, I feel all that too. I always try to see what others don't, so what others see, I don't. Yes, I feel all those human emotions too, yes, my heart is darker then you can imagine. And yes, I care less then I appear to, yet I care more then I say I don't.

CEASE TO CARE, CEASE TO BOTHER.

Broaden your horizons, see more of the world, realise that you're so much better off then many out there. You only have your own menial problems to worry about, how about the others who actually have to worry about surviving? Maybe you need to experience the real, tough world out there.

Sometimes to solve a problem that you've been engrossed in for too long, you need to leave it aside, forget it for a while. Then probably by experiencing more your focus on the problem will be clearer, and the solution brighter.

Stop worrying, stop wasting your life, focus on your future.
I hope I can be who I want to be.

Dawn of realisation

As unimaginative as I can be, whenever someone tells me that our lives are in our hands, I'll always open my palm and stare at it, as if life itself were nestling against it. My fingers will move around and caress that invisible object sitting there, and when the message truly hits my heart, they'll curl up and become a fist.

Sometimes it terrifies me, the notion that our lives are ours to navigate, ours to steer, that we can control over our lives. Probably niggling negative thoughts will seep between those cracks of your optimism, " how about natural tragedies?" " how about accidents?" " how about death?" These are certainly not within our grasp, yet we still possess the key weapon that can turn things around- our perception. What and how you think or perceive something goes a long way. You can choose to be happy, you can choose to be passive, you can choose to be submissive, you can choose to be positive. These will decide your path in the future, you behaviour, attitude of life.

Yet, sometimes we become lethargic with life, with all these fighting, with all these pursuits. It feels relieving to leave things to "fate", as steering one's own life becomes an exhausting mission, to think of how things could be instead of what they are now, as long as we put more effort, or if we didn't take the wrong step. If we went further on, if we persevered, the fruits bore may  be different, then we wouldn't have failed! Maybe, maybe. Maybe we should have tried before giving up? Maybe then life would be different. These all becomes a burden to think of, and we begin to think of letting go, allowing "well, that's life" to be an excuse for not trying. "well, that's just life". But what is "just life"? Isn't life what we make it to be? Isn't everything in life what we decided? What we created?

With great power comes great responsibility. Peter Parker may have taken this literally, but to me, it means our power to take control of our own lives. We've got a responsibility to ourselves to live the best out of it.

But it gets tiring.

 Can I slack?

Surge of emotions

Often times I get this urge to write here when I'm feeling especially confused or hurt over matters in life. Without writing them down, I have a feeling that they just won't be solved, they just won't go away. It's not as if writing down my problems and frustrations will actually provide any solution or assurance, but rather it helps to put things into perspective to myself. So in some sense, blogging is not for others to see, although it is posted publicly but rather, it is more of me, writing to myself. Vague as it may be the themes of my posts, but I would prefer it that way, not due to fear to exposure, instead more to the inability to face these issues head on. I hold on to my pride much stronger then I envision myself to be, hence to bring to surface those matters would be too embarrassing and disconcerting.

The thing that baffles and troubles me is that when I feel the strongest need to write here, I'm often cut off from the resources to doing so. Either it's because that terrible urging seeped up to me in college, whereby it would be too public to type something personal as this, or no computer is in sight for me. They then get lost in my thoughts forever, even if I try to maintain shreds of it inside my conscious mind by writing down bits and pieces of it inside my phone. To no avail, by the time I get home and want to start blogging, the inspiration is gone. Diminished, nothing can be expressed. The feeling of repression omnipresent, as your unexpressed emotions stay locked up within your already weary heart.

I find words to be beautiful, how they can describe something so profoundly, by just reading an ordinary passage of words, what you can feel from it. People who can describe their emotions precisely so much as to influence you to feel the same too are the sort of writers that I admire. Someday I hope to achieve that too, to be able to put my feelings, thoughts and emotions into words, accurately, detailed and clear.

Turbulent, that's all I can describe of my heart lately. A lot of thoughts on different subjects keep appearing in my mind. To be truthful, I rather like having stuff to mule about inside my head, so that when I'm alone and without any form of entertainment these thoughts will keep me preoccupied. I call them my thought bytes. I never come into any conclusion about these trivial stuff going through my mind, hence I can't say that they're beneficial in any way. They're probably detrimental, seeing as it makes me antisocial and lost in my own world. For some reason, the atmosphere in a moving vehicle is rather "thought provoking", which, my mum seems to take for me being "moody". It's not nice to be interrupted when you're deep in thought, just as how annoying it is to be when you're watching a television programme.

I find it amazing that most of my problems stem from my own flaws, my own faults. It's like they all can be eradicated if I truly wanted to, it's as if they all seemed so menial compared to others. Yet they bug me all the same, they throw me into the deepest valleys. Sometimes I think that I've changed for the better, I've left the past me that I so detested behind, that I'm way over those past mistakes. Reality checks always prove me wrong, and I find myself in the same situations over and over again. I'm still the same person, I'm still me. It would not be because of humbleness that I say I don't like myself, yet probably a bit of perfectionist streak and disappointment that makes that up.

I'm still who I used to be. He prompted me to step out of my comfort zone last time, she inspired me to be a better person, she provided a role model for me to follow. I saw the light, a bigger, better world out of the little hole that they cracked open on my shell. After years of encouragement, errors, failures I finally took the first step out of that shell. Elated at first, I was, to see this whole vast world in a different perspective and realise that I had the potential, that I could do more then I thought of. I was better then I imagined. So I rode on that cloud of confidence for a little while, before cracks began to appear again and threaten to destroy my new found confidence. It did take a toll, but not by too big a measure, fortunately. It just serves to humble me and remind myself of that long road ahead to take. When will the journey of self discovery and change end then? Will there ever be a time when you will be satisfied with being who you are, and learn to love yourself truly?

I always refrain myself from criticizing or judging people. Being a good girl schooled since young to remember that I have a speck of wooden splinter in my eye when I point that others have some sawdust in theirs, it seemed unfair to judge others when I myself have problems as well. Before I even THINK about others, I will mentally review myself if I have that flaw too, and try in all ways to rationalize their actions, see it from their point of view before making any comment, for fear of judging others on unfair grounds. Alas, nothing can be judged. Nothing. Since that everything is justified. There are so many commendable values on others that I envy and would love to learn for, sometimes these overshadow the fact that they're not perfect too. Not that I want to intentionally pick out faults on others, but with all these admiration for others, I tend to slip into self pity and ignore all my own strengths too. Not a lot, mind that. I remember how I used to hate perfect seeming people.