Something's wired wrong today

When I woke up, i saw the world in a pale orange-reddish tinge, with no motion outside whatsover, not even a creep was heard. I could only feel myself get off the car, tug my huge bag along and walk up to the door. Maybe I had a sleepy-head, maybe the world just turned in a opposite direction. Everything's weird! Lifeless, sad, i can feel the air filled with despair and what? I can't find the word in english. 呆滞.

Today was just horrible. I felt tired all the time, i even fell asleep studying chemistry in the library in an awkward position for everyone to see. Fine. Then I didn't feel like talking at all the whole day. For one, i couldn't think of any topic to talk about with anyone. SUddenly I became a boring old nerdy girl who sits there eating quietly or reading when everyone on the table is brawling with laughter. I JUST CAN"T JOIN IN! OR TALK! That fatigue seems to just overwhelm me, shutting my mouth and mind tight. Well, as a realistic person, if i can't talk, why waste the time smiling, nodding and pretending you understand? I might as well study.

This is not the first time i contracted this "disease". It happened quite a lot of times last year too, where i could spend a whole day NOT talking at all and just ignoring some funny remarks, sleep between periods and carry about doing my work like a zombie. Quite satisfying, really. But that was in the past when i had close friends who didn't mind me doing that( i love you, soowen!! XD). WAH! suddenly thinking about that is blissful. Maybe i should do that tomorrow? Socialising can really be tiring especially for someone as hermit-like as me. Or not. I can't figure myself out sometimes. Occasionally i'm high- powered and noisy otherwise it's moody girl out don't mess with me attitude.

i need a PSYCHIATRIST!!! WAH!

Backstep

Ever had the feeling of instant regret for taking a decision?
The kind where when you MADE the decision, you knew you were going to regret it sometime later but you decide to take a chance and test your limits.
Of course, the regrets DO come and you are left feeling worst then ever,
trying to live in denial and pure bull-headedness against any advice given

currently i'm lost in this limbo now, stuck wondering whether or not this career is suitable for me. Everything seems to point otherwise, deeming me totally incompatible with it. I seem to lack to many of the job's essential requirements and i'm starting to lose heart, lose faith. Who knew what i was thinking back then that i could hold on to something till the end? But i know that nothing comes without perseverence and diligence. I'm only feeling this way because of my own fault, for not trying hard enough and hoping to achieve success without contributing or striving. That's a lousy mindset of a loser, definitely. Please, work harder.

whew

I'm sitting in the library now, using the computer. There are two indians opposite me,
and they're listening to chinese songs. I don't even listen to chinese songs. I met a guy the other day, who was a chinese but knows how to speak tamil. Huh? Diverse much?

Anyway, that's not the main point of this post. I'm suddenly getting bouts of regret and anxiety. Suddenly, i miss science and Chong Hwa maths a lot, and i regret that i didn't major in science. Maybe i should have chosen science as a major and journalism as a minor. It seems more worthwhile to study science, the tough one. The science i study now is a recap of what i studied in form five, so it seems much easier. Though rusty, i'm sure i be able to retrieve that memory.
eeks.

Public transport.

Ever tried a sauna that offers you a wide stunning view of the city and activates your sweat glands without you having to take off your clothes? Not only that, you are able to socialize and listen to other peoples conversations as you do your thing. The moving view of the claustrophobic high rise buildings, the cloud studded blue sky and screeching of metals, provide an extraordinary ambience for you. As you sweat your clothes out, you can exercise at the same time, stretch your arms and hug someone, open your legs wide and push all your weight onto the floor of the coach, or even try to hang on for your dear life onto someone. It also provides a surprise for you at certain intervals by sending a jolt through everyone, resulting in a backward domino effect. You can play the game of "grab for your dear life!" game at those instances. It is nothing but sheer fun. Of course, no man is an island hence we as humans must always utilize our time to communicate with others. This sauna also offers this sort of services, stopping inconsistently at the middle of nowhere so you have a chance to talk to your neighbors. Even though it may take hours to get to your destination, so what? How much benefit can you reap! Seriously. The train. It gives me a chance to experience what being a waterfall feels like.

Ps. Nah. I know all trains are like that. Not complaining here, just felt like expressing my sentiments. Haha.

Stereotype

I don't want to be stereotyped into a certain personality that I'm not. Do you know how horrible it is to be expected to behave someway? Of course, no one 's bearing a knife down my back to pressurize me but that feeling is unignorable. Being with two of them mass com girls made me suddenly want to back step my decision. Can I "roll" with them? Am I that sort of people? Somehow or rather mentally I keep pushing myself to be someone else, more outspoken, more active, more LIKE THEM. But it's exhausting. How am I able to withstand the peer pressure, or the expectation of me? How I wish I had more self confidence so that I wouldn't bend under all these mirages that I make up myself. Are they true? I know they're not but like a mirage, it makes you believe that it is. Just stating out the science behind the phenomenon will not resolve my thirst for something better, to become someone who is much loved, given attention and excels. I'm eighteen now, but I don't seem to have gotten any mature. Therefore my aim, is to be able to overcome all these negative feelings and boost my self esteem. I will not be anybody but myself. Who saYs everybody must be that way? Who?

Hmm. Get OVER it.

STUDY!

blah. I remember how i never could study or read a book when i stayed back in school last time. I was always preoccupied, either by talking with friends or just staring at the people passing by. That is one big flaw i have to overcome. Distraction comes easily for me, thus i cannot participate in any sort of group study. It'll be a wonder if i can study at all. As people say, new year, new start, I'm going to try to discipline myself this year! My aim? To be able to sit in the library and READ! To stop my mind from wandering and my legs from carrying my body to the computer lab. read read read girl!

BAH!

Prior to entering Inti, i was a daredevil who carried the notion that WHO CARE if i was alone? It was my aim to be a diligent and submissive girl who hid in libraries all day long but who stills participates in all sorts of activities. Why I had thought that, i don't know. But i realized that dreams differ from reality. I couldn't stand the loneliness! Somehow peer pressure still manages to hit me in the stomach. So now all i can say to myself is :" STOP getting HUNG UP over it!" Right now the fact that i haven't made a constant friend worries me and leaves me fearing that i wouldn't have a lunch buddy. Having lunch alone just seem so sad, whatever my previous mindset thinks. I don't wanna have lunch alone! THe friends i'm making now all seem to already have partners so i feel like i have to keep changing friends for different periods. Ah. No security. I used to always anticipate the western way of going to classes, where you don't belong to one class but you actually choose your subjects and everyone has a different timetable. But now, after truly experiencing it, leaves me yearning for the old fashioned way of schooling. My Chong Hwa years. Everyone from the same class had a same timetable and we had to just sit in the class, wait for the teacher's arrival. Everyone had the same recess time, so we didn't have to worry about anything. Thinking about this won't do me any good though. I';; just have to be more outgoing and stop staring into space(i keep doing that lately!). Know more people! yay! :D

Boo!

WIll i meet new friends? Will i get along with them?
I wonder what sort of people my new classmates will be?
I admit there are a certain sort of people that i can't get along with,
not in the negative way, just in that "erm..what to talk about? awkward awkward" type.
seventeen years of meeting people,
i do realise that i am not a master of making new friends
Awkward silences seem to follow me wherever i go, as much as i try to avoid them.
ah.

Just go with the flow?

Bling bling.

I can see the money disappearing in the sky. This decision is going to cost loads of money and burden my parents. It's going to be a different world, an unknown territory. I don't know if i can survive it peacefully and still get a good grip on my studies and results but that'll have to do, no other options. Nothing but perseverance, diligence and courage can get me through, i guess. No more safe haven. I'm left on my own. Let's hope that it wouldn't be too hard and terrifying. to study is the priority! Good results, great future. Go Go GO!!!

The next two years

Forgive me if my review of my last five years anre tinged with negativity and sadness. That's how i like to view things because it is through this that i will learn and change myself, in order to become a better person :0

F4 was a... year of distraction, improvement, desparation, realization, and decadence. i failed in all my exams, i neglected my responsibilities both in class, society and at home. I treated my friends badly, and had a tough time figuring things out. Academic success was not my priority, to sort out the mess i was in came first in my mind. It probably doesn't seem like a mess to others at all, but i was struggling all day. Over what exactly, i don't even know. The only thing i knew was that i was dissatisfied with everything, angry that i wasn't who i wanted to be. why didn't anything turn out as i want it to be? Friends? ah. i didn't make much this year, definitedly. THe ones i had? i neglected them and in some circumstances, bullied them. Sorry, my neighbour. You were so amiable and nice, always taking care of me but i was always rude and horrible to you, using your kindness. Sorry, my partner(sort of.)You were so incredible, such a great leader, that i always had the notion that you didn't need anyone's help, much less mine. I felt that i couldn't do anything for you, i couldn't even figure out my own problem. So when you fell, i wasn't there to help you. i'm so sorry. Horrible isn't it? I hope i will not make the same mistake again. Then again, nothing's bad all the way, is it? I had a lot of great memories this year, playing volleyball, going crazy, japanese friends, bon odori, boiling eggs in class, drinking tea, eating maggi... We may not be the closest of buddies, but i certainly enjoyed my time with you guys tremendously. OUr classroom was at a block cut off from others, isolated. To get there you had two routes, one through the smelly, dirty and narrow pathway of the hostel's kitchen, the other through the walkway beside the sports complex( it isn't a complex actually). I used to like to wander along that walkway before getting into class, alone. THe morning sky, always so gentle, soothes my frizzled nerves and worried mind. I loved walking alone, along the empty walkway, and just enjoying the fresh air, distant rumbles of students chatter, feel the breeze of cool air, listen to the birds chirping. SO that was 2010, one of the changing points in my life.

f5 was fun, nice. at the start of the year i thought to myself, this was going to be my year and i will work ever so hard to regain what i lost. I did it, and im glad i did it. The class i entered was not the best of all, but i met several close friends this year and they were the best people ever. Kind, loving, caring and simply wonderful. Thank you guys, for making my year, especially to you, ww :) It was a year faced with numerous hardships, but even though terrifying, im glad i got through it. really. The fruit of perseverance and diligence was tasted, and i got a clearer look in life. Doubt will always come, but i will deal with it.

Let's hope for an even better 2012!
Ganbatte!!!!! :D

Two o one two

Its horrible. Why do I feel so low and discouraged every time I see some other person's blog?
Their life seems so fulfilled and merry, full of friends and activities
Whereas mine seems dreary in comparison
I don't have that much friends
No gang
I don't go out that much
I like to daydream
I tend to wander off alone

Whoops.

I sound like I do not have a life
And I wasted off five years.

Hmm.
It's fine, I hope. :)
Wish that somebody will be able to accept me as I am, and endure my silences

I hope that I can be first in someone 's heart.