Projection

Maybe my thoughts were projected unto the waves. Why are they forming exactly what I am thinking?

Of ambiguity

"The point of diving in a lake isn't immediately to swim to the shore, but to be in the lake, to luxuriate in the sensation of water. You do not work the lake out, it is an experience beyond thought. Poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept mystery."

I've never been able to decipher, much less, enjoy poetry. I may get enlightened, or surprised by the latent content after reading a review about it but I'm still unable to elicit any sort of passion for poetry.

Jane Campion's Bright Star may not win at its plot or character designs, but the beauty, atmosphere and ambience of the entire film certainly covers for those faults. The main characters are not lovable- one a feeble romantic, the other a headstrong, childish girl that you'd probably avoid in real life. But you don't realise it when you watch the film, or in fact, many days after it because it was shot so beautifully that it captures your attention and your soul from the first scene.I would prefer to pay no heed to the over idyllic ( well, to the sceptics at least) romance in the film but instead focus on how the director marvellously expressed poetry through scenery, cinematography and dialogue. I could FEEL poetry seeping out of every corner in the picture, with every breeze, every little flower, grass and word uttered by all characters. Keat's poem were just perfectly expressed by the actors'- the emotions, accentuated by the beautiful scenery and acting allows you to immerse in the wonders of their world, a world of young, passionate love.

I still didn't understand half of the poetry recited in the film, but somehow I felt that it didn't matter. I felt the soul, the emotions of it, and that felt like the whole point. Maybe sometimes not everything has to be spelled out in black and white; not everything has to be so clear, crisp and tough. Bask in ambiguity, and just feel, just allow yourself to relax and experience all the things of the world, the pain, the joy, the sensations that you don't even know the name to. Then only, can we truly appreciate the full value of life.

" I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days- three such days with you I could fill with more delight then fifty common years could ever contain."
( Sorry, this was just too romantic I just HAD to write it down)

Of Chance and Fate.

How queer it is that sometimes, it is not our closest friends who can save us, but some random stranger.
For both films, the protagonists met in the most random of manner, got close in the most spontaneous manner, and then parted in the most peaceful manner. I feel like I'm watching the film through a faded screen, where everything seems like a dream, and that all things were just passing motions, things of no significance that pass you by everyday. They were like the people on the streets you frequent, or your neighbour, or the people sitting at the back of your bus, or one of the many people on the zebra crossing, their figures half obscured by the crowd that you can only catch a glimpse of their shadows.
The guy and the girl, both like ordinary people out there, stuck in their own lives experiencing a frustrating, suffocating plateau in life. May it be due to painful memories, may it be due to dissatisfaction of life, an inability to make sense of things that are going on.
Then one day, they met each other and began their friendship. Just like that. Maybe they spotted the loneliness in the other's soul, identical to the one inside theirs.
Their story was simply told through bits and pieces of conversation, no elaborate explanations needed- you can piece the story through the minimal information given; or maybe their history wasn't important, there was no need to dwell on that.
We see them getting closer, connecting with each other with no excessive emotions.
It was a simple relationship, friends, or lovers-may-be. We see them bond and help each other in their lives with no big gesture. They were just, there, for each other.
Then they had to part. It would spoil the whole magic of the film had they not do that.
Lost in translation, he had the luck to meet her, before he left, in a fateful encounter. A warm embrace marked their peaceful separation, of the wonderful time they spent together in a place where no one understood them.
Once, they left with a parting gift- a gift of hope and dreams.

These two films have always been stuck in my mind, Once with it's hauntingly beautiful song- Falling slowly, and Lost in translation with the scenes of both protagonists against the backdrop of a blurred, bright Tokyo.

Truly, magical.

Argh

Why am I so incompetent, why am I so stupid, and why did I ever, ever allow my obstinate mind to make that decision? That same stubbornness will probably lead me to.... Refuse to back out from that same old decision too.

Confusion

I need, a guide in my life. Should one choose interest over ability, or ability over interest? Or should one be lead by one's desires? I live, I see, and I yearn for a certain way of life that requires a certain level of sacrifice. Follow your dreams, but your dreams can be so many things. Choose one that means the most to you, but they can all mean so much to you in different ways that you just can't make a decision between them. To choose all, means sacrificing another aspect of your life. The leisure to just sit back and enjoy life, truly learn more about the world, socialising- these are the things that I neglect when I'm too focused on my aim. It happened in the past, but I don't want it to happen again. In the end, everyone was exhausted, drained, and plain in their intention to leave that mess. It may be just my assumptions, but that was certainly what I felt.

Somewhere around form five, I started realising that before that, all my schooling days were a waste, what was the purpose of me studying? Right then, I suddenly discovered my lack of knowledge and the horrible extent of my ignorance. It seemed to be too late though.

I still remember that year of tedious studying. Everyday was peace, all I did was focus on my aim and work hard for it. I still remember all those solitary walks that I had while returning to class. The cool breeze in my hair, the clear blue sky, birds chirping all about me, the distant rumble of laughter and teaching.

In the end, there was so much that I missed out. What is the life that I want in the future?
A truly college experience?
If I go hard for what I want, or need, I think I know what will be sacrificed.
But am I willing to let that go?

I really, really don't know what to choose now.

Well

Bugger, people disappoint you all the time. At times like these you look around and realise who you can really count on, I guess.

Watching too much tv is bad for you. You begin to get an overly idealistic view of everything, and then feel let down by reality.

Faults, too much faults.

Here we go again

I constantly try to numb my feelings.

I think if I were to belong to a place, it'd be between the twin towers, stuck in the middle of nowhere, where no one notices. All attention will be on the two metal structures beside me.

Watching Interior Design tempts me to morph into some object too. Often times when I'm too bored in class, I imagine myself as the white washed walls, appearing and disappearing at will. On days when I just don't feel like socializing with anyone or facing any sort of reality, I close my eyes and dream about merging with the wall, two pairs of eyes staring out of it to listen to classes, then slink back home without anyone realizing it.

Sometimes I really suspect that something is terribly wrong with me. How can the same situation happen twice? But I just can't pinpoint where is the fault, nor has anyone else successfully done that.

Why is it so then?

I still feel like I'm nowhere.

Belonging nowhere, and just as I will disappear soon, my guts tell me that it would make no difference.

My dream of becoming a wall, might have just came true.

And i'm not liking it.

Temperamental

We're going into depths that I never imagined even existed. It always manages to make me feel depressed and moody, all the time. I can't even begin to list down all the times I felt that way. Well, I shall not let it affect me that much. Control! Maybe there is something really wrong with me, I'm aware of that. In fact, I am SURE of that. But so is everyone. Forgiveness and acceptance, I suppose, is the lubricant of all relationships in this world.

Accumulation

All that pent up anger and emotions are eating me up inside. I have a niggling suspicion that, if I were to be met with any accident that would leave me crippled, I would grab that opportunity to wallow in sadness and wail over misfortune. It's as if I'm waiting for a legitimate reason to break down, some event that justifies one urge to simply dwell in sorrow and self pity.

But then, think again, and I realise that I have nothing to be so depressed about. My life is wonderful, I have all the things that contribute to a good life, an enviable life, a comfortable life. What am I fretting about?

The little things, the tiny disappointments, that insecurity, the frustrating worries that nip away your patience and faith day by day, snippet by snippet.

Or just the disbelief of what I am, truly, that scares me. Some time ago, I realised that I was incapable of experiencing an altruistic concern for others, sympathy, love, care. When I see how people treat and look after their loved ones, I have to admit, these gestures never even crossed my mind. I was probably too engrossed in my own world and life that everything else is neglected, nothing is as important as, me.

That world that revolved around myself was quiet, peaceful, boring and detrimental.

Now I realise that, no, it wasn't that I was obsessed with myself. The reason I didn't feel strong emotions towards others was that I didn't allow myself to. Maybe I was too afraid, aware of the vulnerability if you expose yourself to all these intense relationships and emotions.

Accept the rules of the world and how it runs, and thou shalt be well. Have faith and patience, everything happens for a reason. If it hasn't dawned on you yet, then maybe life is trying to tell you something. If it doesn't happen now, then maybe it's not your time yet.

I am still trying to convince myself.