Humans as an idea

" You see us as you want to see us."

Lately I've been watching a few coming-of-age dramas, the first being the quirky Submarine, the touching Perks of being a wallflower and finally, the uplifting The Breakfast Club. I'll write about a brief comparison between the three later, and shall devote this post to the final film- The breakfast club.

The first few scenes were boring. Yes, I was sitting with my hand supporting my head hoping that this is not another typical Disney- style, motivational, educational teenage movie. Of course, when some swear words came flying out of the students' mouth I knew it was far more then that ( otherwise some parents would be fainting, and the adorable talking two- legged rats will be sued). I was also tremendously relieved when the teacher turned out to be a villain, a typical "chinese" style teacher who uses power to oppress the kids. Also the fact that the kids didn't get along with each other at all was great. But I think they may have exaggerated Bender's character too much, making him provoke every character in the film with his unreasonable verbal attacks. It seemed as if without him, none of this breakfast club thing would have happened ( it's true, actually), but it just went on too long. Even though we could sense his troubled life as the reasons behind his character, all those provoking at the start of the movie made me yawn.

Nevertheless, as the movie progresses he tones down and things become interesting. The common mentality was the kids against the adults, therefore as much as they despise Bender, they still will cover for him in front of the tyrannical teacher. The kids- five of them are all from different cliques. A nerd, a jock, a princess, a goth, and a rule- breaker. They didn't get along at all, but after a sniff of marijuana they began to open up to each other, sharing their troubles and fears. The drug did them good, because by the end of the movie they've broken through their chains and allowed their respective lives to overlap.

I like how before the drug induced sharing session, you can somehow sense an imminent connection between these kids. They're just afraid and unable to reveal their weaknesses. All they needed was some drug to lose their inhibitions. Once again, that seems pretty troubled in itself, isn't it? That people, young people like this require drugs as an aid to open up. Are we all so defensive and reserved at this age? Maybe that is also the reason behind alcohol addiction. We no longer have the courage to be truthful and vulnerable without an excuse- being drunk or high.

Another thing about the movie is the fact that their problems remained unsolved at the end of the movie ( I know, I am a sucker for unresolved issues). They did learn to face their troubles and step out of their cliques, but their family lives still remain the same. The fact that the first scene was of them descending their parents' cars to various comments that reveal their pressures, and the final scene being of them kissing each other and boarding their parents' cars again seem to present the idea that well, others' opinions or judgments may not have changed even though yours have, but that doesn't matter. As the first quote I posted here says, the adults and others see them as they want to see them, stereotyping them into various roles but we should not let them define us. We are who we are, we decide who we want to be and we are who we think we are. That is what that matters. Waste no energy trying to convince others of what or who we are, as long as we are sure of that ourselves, it will eventually show. Their essay to the teacher about " who am I" shows that perfectly:

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact 

that we had to sacrifice a whole 

Saturday in detention for whatever 

it was we did wrong.  But we think 

you're crazy to make an essay 

telling you who we think we are. 

You see us as you want to see us... 

In the simplest terms, in the most 

convenient definitions.

But what we found out is that each 

one of us is a brain...

ANDREW (VO)

...and an athlete...

ALLISON (VO)

...and a basket case...

CLAIRE (VO)

...a princess...

BENDER (VO)

...and a criminal...

BRIAN (VO)

Does that answer your question? 

Sincerely yours, the Breakfast 

Club.

Great message, indeed. It is quite an inspiring movie although it does get draggy at the beginning, but endure that and you'll get a wonderful watch at the end. They have some 80s dance sequences that are entertaining and make you feel like jumping on your feet to imitate those weird movements as well. Gosh, they address my inner need to sing or dance when I'm happy.

The movie starts with this awesome quote-

"...and these children that you 

spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to 

your consultations.  They're quite aware of what they're 

going through... - David Bowie" 

Credits to the wonderful Howard Hughes for managing to capture the sentiments of teenagers perfectly through his lens!

Overachiever wannabe

Fine, right now I feel like shooting for the stars.

Inner urgings

I'm looking for more. It feels so restless to be stuck here, with no changes whatsoever living a life with rigid schedules. I must be crazy, I always tell myself that, to be pursuing my interests instead of my strength, to engage in activities that I don't particularly favor, to spend my time in ways deemed wasteful, to not be out there at the field collecting experiences that can elevate me into another status. I'm looking for that catapult. Everything is so meaningless to me now, but as I've been passive for so many years, that piece of negative attitude is still threatening to dissipate my new found motivations. There must be more to life then this. There must be more that I can do other then this. There must be more that people care about other than that. I want to work for a cause, immerse myself in my passions and improve my mind. I know that I am most probably considered ignorant by the intellectuals but I want to be like them, because being so oblivious to the surroundings makes you susceptible to being bias, and being bias is the attitude that I hate the most. I suppose there's always this point in life when everything crashes down upon me and I feel burdened by the amount of lessons that I have to learn. There must be more to life then this. Ah well, I shall push myself to heights higher then currently achieved, and adopt methods to improve myself.

But first and foremost I have to rid myself of certain bad habits I've picked up.

I guess it's not that I don't like going out, but that I don't see any meaning to it if it occurs too often.

Gosh, ok, life lesson.

" Love others like you love yourself."

That is going to be the hardest lesson of all to master. As much as we think we already do that, question yourself: is it really so? Trace your every action to its original motives. What prompted you to act that way? Why do you make friends for? Why do you even love, if that is really love.

I've got to learn how to do it, I must, before I become some unfeeling robot.

Maybe the first step should be to stop thinking about yourself so much.

Thank you for letting me see this face of humanity that still exists, shifting my focus towards something more worthwhile.

Plan

I know, I know. All the signs are there, all the pieces are in place. He's arranged everything perfectly for me already, even offering me second chances where I failed.

But I'm still too confused and afraid to admit to His plan. I myself am not even steady, how so to help others? I admit I have the tendency to be self centered, to focus my view upon myself. I'm a horrible person, indeed. I have to admit I don't know what is love, what is care, what is ... never mind. Everything seems to be for a certain motive. At least, for me. I know who I am, and it's not a pretty sight at all.

Sometimes I get a glimpse of moving friendships, and they move me to the core when I observe how a person can care for another. It amazes me. I don't know how to do that, but I have a feeling that it's a lesson I'm going to have to learn soon. You don't realize how much you care for another person until some occasion arises. I don't know how to express my feelings, so I don't know if the method I treat my valued friends show how much I treasure them. Probably not? And I admit that I'm sensitive to things that I say I'm not, that I don't know how to help others, and that I back out when I know I can't give the person what he/she's needs.

I still find it haunting that the same type of person appeared again in my life. Maybe this time I will make the right move? I know He is being good to me, but I don't know if I have the capability to take this up.

Is this also another lesson for toleration?

I know that I have to widen my views of this world, and cease the internal focus of attention. I know that I have to break free and make a change.

So that's what I'm doing, in efforts to admit to the plan.

Thank you, for placing so many inspirational figures in my life.

Deja Vu

It's all happening again, everything. The same people, the same circumstances, the same challenges.

I still remember those crucial years, when my senior told me his personal analogy to life.

" You think I'm confident? I'm sorry, but all these are feigned. I'm only pretending to be confident- that is the key to being who I am today."

I really took all that he said to heart, really. Because he was so far ahead of me, seemingly so knowledgeable and mature about life, that I believed in what he said. He was one of the persons in my life who widened my perspective of the world and taught me to rebel. But of course, the later events in his life that revealed his vulnerability returned some humane light to him.

At that time, I was truly struggling with confidence issues. I had huge responsibilities upon my shoulders, sitting in a position that I felt I was incapable of excelling in, but nevertheless feeling overwhelmed by the trust others had in me. But I regret then, how I took his advice to feign confidence. On the surface it all seemed great, but I was a horrible big mess inside. I don't know what I was doing, why I was doing it, or anything. Everything was silenced with a " You can do it!" " who says you can't do it!" "you have confidence!" " You are capable of doing it!" " she's better then you, so what!"

None of that was helping me. It only aggravated my already severe inferiority complex.

I still remember how intimidated I felt facing the same challenges that haunted me some time ago. I always felt that after overcoming an obstacle, I won't have to face it again. Only that it is never true- it always comes back, again and again. Then I become so paranoid, so terrified to accept a reality that I've never improved; that I'm still in that horrible state of person so many years ago, that all present now is a mask. Just a show, when inside I'm still the same mess. I suppose that fear made me build a defensive wall around myself, refusing to let familiar challenges knock on the door again. Avoiding any potential circumstances that can bring such problems to surface. Feeling utterly intimidated when meeting with people of much higher potential.

It all got to me, and it's tiring. It's tiring. It's so exhausting to always realize how little you are, how inferior you are, how many weaknesses you possess. How disheartening to realize that the cancer you've supposedly solved years ago is on a relapse. Life is a loop, never ending. The same problems keep circling about, changing their forms from time to time.

I think it's time to let go of all that though. I don't know what is my ultimate aim, really. To become a perfect person? To become the person I want to be? But what is the person that I want to be? I've decided that I've got to face challenges head on, no matter how hurtful or degrading it is. Let it be all these obstacles to remind me to be humble, to be able to admit my ignorance, not be afraid to be stupid.

I think, confidence is not all that important after all. The thing that I've been pursuing for years, then after I've gained a meager proportion of it, guarded it with all my pride. Only to let it seep through the cracks rapidly. So confidence is not it, I think it's the eagerness to learn and improve. That's it! The eagerness and will to change, improve, and accept that there are many things for me to learn.

To stop being intimidated by great people, by fears, by insecurity. I don't ever want to feel lesser then myself ever again. Ever.

" If you do not empty your cup, how can you learn?"

mygosh

Revelations can dawn on you like a hurricane in the time span of 24 hours so fast that you barely have time to digest anything. After a period of uninspired drag, it's refreshing to be rejuvenated by this new stream of ideas again! Not to mention new introspective conclusions of course, after feeling constipated mentally for some time. These solutions I've come to, I hope it'll work. All it took was some directing, some guidance, some hints, that all finally culminate in a change of perception and attitude. But we all know how volatile those two fellows are- they evaporate in a second. I don't expect this mindset to hold long; it'll probably disintegrate by the time the next obstacle surfaces. But I just hope it'll stay long enough for a period of blissful learning.

It's like a cycle. My life is like a cycle, or a graph with fixed patterns. There is the plateau when nothing happens, there is the dip when everything goes downhill, there is the peak when I feel tremendously inspired.

I know I'm a hypocrite, because I desire for that something but I'm too intimidated to pursue it. I'm terrified. So I duck back to the comfort zone. I'm afraid of challenges, stemming from incidents long long ago that will be too long to elaborate here, not to mention personal. Too many cringe worthy memories in my store. I broke out of that egg shell long ago, stepping into another one. It's maybe time to break through this one too.

The longer I think of it, the more I can't find a personal philosophy that encompasses all my principles in life. They either seem too broad, too minuscule or too stupid to be mentioned. The only thing I can figure out is the one word to describe me- contradictory.

My gosh, I am nothing special, you won't remember me but I'd like to just be myself. The wall flower, maybe. Or I'll just morph into the wall and observe humans and their queer ways.

I want to watch some mind blowing movie and then launch into some great discussion about it. :(

( all points are unconnected. This is random typing, random typing.)

argh

Sometimes the tiniest things can annoy me beyond realms imaginable. The reason doesn't even have to make sense at all. I'm sitting here, doing my work, and there's this bright sweet voice of a girl ringing about the whole area, chatting to two deep voices. I don't know who they are, but that bright voice is annoying me with all her optimism and innocence of her speech.

I sound like some weird old lonely bat jealous of the youngster's spirit ( she is younger then me, I'm sure of that).

But I think it's more on her voice possessing such a high frequency. Not to mention her tone of voice.

Shall go and take a peek of her face.

OMG It's so irritating her voice! How to get out of my hiding place unnoticed? It seems rather impossible. Jeez, I should have gotten a more obscure place to hide, free of bright annoying voices.

Calm the raging storm

The locus of control is hard to comprehend at times. It is always known that people who believe that they live their lives at their will obtain a more optimistic outlook and generally, live happier. Oh I do believe that, but the I don't feel any happier though. There are times like this when I am unsatisfied with everything, frustrated that nothing is as desired, clueless as to what the next step should be. I am simply restless, restless, restless emotionally and physically.

Right now everything is annoying, everything antagonizes me, nothing is like what I want it to be, including myself.

When will all these end? Stop all those introspective shit and become like a normal person.

Is there some other universe in the world that I belong to, and I'm in the wrong place now?

It's like searching for that perfect calender to use, but never finding it.

I can understand the woes of the elves now- being immortal is no great gift. I cannot imagine living in this world for so long a time. It would be horrible.

They just won't come

Those words just don't come. I want to use those words, so beautiful words that I read, but they just won't come when I write. Maybe another method of learning is required.

" I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative to-night."
- Mr Rochester, Jane Eyre

Jeez

That's probably becoming my new favorite word, "jeez". Before things happen I can actually get a premonition. An inkling that something will go wrong in the future, a tiny siren blaring at the background. I normally choose to ignore that niggling sensation and just follow my desires, but they do not often end up where I want to be. Yes, I expected it to happen but I still feel upset over it. Call me a hypocrite.

I know that it is these circumstances that lead me to choose escapism, blocking out all thoughts that I HAVE, pretending that those are thoughts I SHOULDN'T have, thus try as much to eliminate them. It doesn't seem possible though, because of all the people you can lie to the world, you can't lie to yourself. It's a pointless effort.

I just hope things will be fine, better then before and I can make my cowardly self confront reality, strive to correct things, put my foot between the door. INTERVENTION, before another round of escapism seeps in.

Fleeting thoughts

Massacres, gang rapes, bullying, suicide... these tragedies never cease to bother mankind. It is of our own doing, torturing our own kind.

Sometimes I find it so frustrating, the thought that no man is truly evil. After every massacre there is immediately speculation about the mental health of the perpetrator; does he have antisocial personality disorder? Does he have conduct disorder? Does he/ she feel remorse for his/her actions? By massacre it doesn't only include physical harm- it also includes mental bullying that drives a person to suicide. Doesn't the culprit feel guilty? Don't they think about the consequences of their actions? Or are their conscious so obscured by the seething hatred within their souls?

Well, if it's the case of a mental illness, the hopes seem pretty dismal. These are troubled people, deeply troubled people. I've always wondered about people with antisocial personality disorder. What should be the appropriate punishment to impose upon them? They feel no guilt at anything they do, they will only do what they want. Any jail term or therapy doesn't seem of much effect on them, since well, they don't even think they're wrong. What should be done then? You can't keep them all in life- long jail sentences, and you can't release them out into the society. What to do then? I suppose of those who commit sever enough crimes would be sentenced to death. Is that a better option? Since maybe, only death is the option to save their souls from committing further crime. I don't know any successful cases of curing people with this disorder yet, but that's because I haven't researched on that. If a person with this disorder commits a crime, it'd be hard to hate on him. Your soul would crave to hate him/her, but yet you know he/she doesn't know they're in the wrong; they can't see from another person's point of view. So is that a sin?

Come to think about it, if the perpetrator were a normal person, it would make the whole case creepier, wouldn't it? That anger and vengeance can drive a sane person to such lengths. Which can be inferred that, any person beside you and me can be potential candidates for committing such a crime. Any normal person.

We need to talk about Kevin surfaces in my mind whenever news about massacres come about. The thing that struck me the deepest about it was well, what about the mother of the perpetrator? How does she feel? Can a mother hate her child? Can she? When her child has such a vicious and dangerous character? Can she stop herself from feeling hatred?

Reading about the Sandy Hook shooting case led me to the blog post by this mother who claims that her child is haunted by the same demons as Adam Lanza's. I don't know if that's truly the case, but that's another case of mental illness and Kevin-like plot. Except that the child hasn't committed aany crime yet, and let's hope he won't ever.

All these boils down to one point- we humans are so vulnerable. We can be controlled by our mere thoughts and feelings so much so to be driven to carry out lethal acts, inflicting pain unto others. We seem so exposed to these dangers, these subtle dangers lurking within the crowd. Who knows who will be the next victim or culprit? Mental illness can rob a person's sane judgment away. We are vulnerable, vulnerable.

At times like this, only God can help us. 
Gah this is all too depressing. Reading psychology actually strengthens my faith. Interesting.

Time to indulge in some fun stuff.

Personality

I wonder what it's like to have an unpleasant personality. They say personality is a persistent pattern of traits possessed since birth, so I suppose it's very much nature then nurture. Reading Jane Eyre made me think about it. Jane Eyre wasn't a pretty child- rather plain, she was, even until adulthood. She did not please her stepmother nor maids because she wasn't pretty like a doll, nor lively like them attention seekers. She was just, plain, normal and obedient. But she was disliked for that, only earning the affection of one maid.

Things changed for her during youth, of course, as she met the kind people of Mr. Rochester's house and later, her cousins.

But it still led me to wonder about it. Charlotte Bronte, the author's biography mentioned something about her being a serious, grave and stern person; a dinner party with her as the honoured guest left everyone feeling dull and disappointed. They were expecting lively, intelligent conversation, but that didn't happen. If it's true, then that's just her personality then; a quiet lady. But people didn't really like that, they seem to prefer lively, assertive and fun people. So should she change her personality? Is it wrong to possess a personality like that, so much so to cause discomfort to others? Let down other's expectations, unable to entertain others?

I wonder, is personality permanent? Is it something we should strive to preserve, or should we carve it according to our worldly demands? If your personality is something that doesn't parallel with the mainstream world and is causing you problems, or obstructing you from obtaining your desires, should you change it? Or should we instead be changing our desires and releasing ourselves from the grasp of peer pressure, putting our original personality as the main element to be preserved?

Which to change and which not to change?
What is right and what is wrong?
What should be done and what not to be done?

Sometimes I think that we should just do whatever we want, ceasing to think too much about the consequence. If we will fall, let it be; just climb up after that. But that takes a substantial amount of courage that I am still unable to accumulate yet.

Lessons from the innocent

The Karate Kid
It is undeniably just a film for entertainment, pure entertainment. I actually cringed from the amount of violence shown in the movie, especially of those children beating up each other accompanied by the exaggerated " thump" and " bam" sound effects. I'm surprised that no bones nor lives were lost from the level of damage supposedly imposed by those kicks. They certainly do SOUND lethal.

Are we really suppose to believe such a martial art competition is allowed whereby children fight each other on stone hard floors, breaking their soft bones?

My oh my.

Violent as it was, it was still a thrilling watch. Action movies starring Jackie Chan always promise a good fight scene- the choreography is awesome. I don't normally like watching fists and legs swinging about, but Jackie Chan can be my sole exception. Another redeeming point was that the story does involve some useful values in life. I was particularly taken by the scene when Dre was lying injured, pleading Mr Han to heal him so he can go out to the arena again.

" It's because I'm still afraid. I want to walk out of here today not being scared anymore!"

The originally reluctant Mr Han relented to the boy's wishes, moved by his determination. I suppose this scene reminded me of Charlie in Perks of being a wallflower, in the scene where he ventured into the middle of the dance floor to join Sam and Patrick. That's the spirit I'm trying to emulate currently, I suppose. The courage to face my fears, plunge myself into that field that fills me with uncertainty and fear. I will participate, and will not give up until all traces of fear are removed.

Aw yeah!

New year resolution!

To never awaken from a deep slumber

I think twice before taking a nap. Somehow there's this switch malfunctioning in me that disables the bodily alarm clock when I fall asleep. I just can't wake up, no matter how much I force myself to. I try to open my eyes but they are so tightly shut that hallucinations even begin to dawn on me. I don't know if my eyes are shut or opened, and whether the scene I'm seeing is real. Sometimes I suspect that I'm just dreaming that I'm awake. At times of confusion like these, I forcefully open my eyes and try to stand up. It doesn't work, because I stand up, but the eyelids are just so heavy that they will only stay open for half a second. Then comes the confusion again. I don't know if I'm really standing up or was that just in my dream? In the end, I just give up and continue to sleep.

The way my subconscious mind controls me is terrifying.

Walking between the realms of consciousness and dreams.

Nostalgia

If you're going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there

For those who come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
In the streets of San Francisco
Gentle people with flowers in their hair

All across the nation such a strange vibration
People in motion
There's a whole generation with a new explanation
People in motion people in motion

For those who come to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there

If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there