Welcome to the island of misfits

 " It is fun to observe from the fringes of the society, but sometimes you need to see the view from within the dance floor."

Charlie, all alone in his best suit leaning against the wall while watching couples slow dancing to a romantic tune is in isolation. We see him observing the people on the dance floor, then slowly make his way through the crowd towards two new friends he made a few days before. Awkwardly, carefully. He cautiously places himself into the society. The two friends welcome him passionately, embracing him in their queer dance moves. He belongs.

For some reason, that scene, and that line from the back of the book, The Perks of being a Wall Flower stayed with me throughout the film. As I see the protagonist, Charlie navigate his way through life, trying to forget his past traumas, joining new people, I can't help but relate to him in many ways. Yes, that was teenage-hood; albeit being without the terrors that surrounded his childhood, the anxiety was still the same. Being alone, fearing loneliness, the reluctance or fear to be assertive. The need for communication to save yourself. The acute need for friends to be sane, to be in touch with your insecurities. 

I like how the film isn't concerned with unnecessary narratives, or elaborate exhibitions of emotions. We are left to pick up clues on the factors leading to Charlie's present condition from conversations, flashbacks, diary entries. They're not difficult to interpret. The focus, is not on what happened, but rather on his journey of recovery.

“Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.”

Yes, well, yes. That's true. Somehow just at this confusing age of teenage-hood communication and friendship becomes the core of all activities. Everyone is obsessed with it; anyone without it is a weirdo. Yet at some point in life, we come to realize how different all of us are. We may think we are weird, because no one else seems like us. For me, the feeling grows to discontent as I fail to find connection. The feelings expand, and the weirdness extends to all areas in life and I find myself disconnected. Connected, but still somehow disconnected. There are two ways to take, one to the "normal" as thought; the other to maintain my stand and remain the same. Yet at the end, the things we all want are still the same- friendship, understanding, love, care. I discovered that to get what you want, you have to work towards it; it will not come to you, so stop being so obstinate, refusing to budge. Your grand idea of being indifferent to peer pressure is of no substance.

"Charlie, don't you get it? I can't feel that. It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes. It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things."

Participate. 

He felt infinite when they were driving through the tunnel listening to an awesome song that seemed to be the embodiment of their youth, their joy. No one knew what the song was, and they searched for it all through the movie. The song captured that moment, an ordinary action serving as a point in life so crucial. A time never to be forgotten. It's just like how a random song in the radio reminds me of the nostalgic memories of certain friends, certain people.

 Finally, at the end of it, they found it. They found the song. 

The time will come, when things will get better.

Fight for those moments, and be not afraid- those great times will come again. Persevere through current troubles.

" We could be heroes, just for one day!"

Bateman's Batman

Or the other way around. Whichever it is, Christian Bale is so perfect in this role in American Psycho that I can't remember him in Batman anymore. No more. He is forever etched in my mind as a crazy murderer with a ravenous craving and desire in his eyes for blood. Aw yeah, Batman has turned evil.

It's disturbing to my immature eyes of course, some of the scenes in the movie, especially those related to sex. Every moment I'm trying to predict his next victim, his next moment of crime- it's pretty easy actually, seeing that this is a satirical poke at the high society then. You know what drives this murderer to commit this act, because it's clear as daylight and as ridiculous as a joke.

This must be the first time I enjoy a bloody film of gore and R-rated sex, but the message behind the act and superb acting are just too awesome to ignore. Maybe it can serve as a reflection of the contemporary society now too, one which everyone is so self obsessed. Do we really care about others unless it trespasses our rights? Of course, this whole story is an absurd exaggeration, since it is well, logically impossible in many areas. But hey, it's just a movie.

Why so serious? Ha, you won't be saying that now, Joker.

Tiny irritations

Many, many in fact. For instance, how I am unable to express my thoughts, how I can't concentrate in my reading because some songs, or some scenes are playing in my mind over and over again, or how people are peeking over my shoulder when I'm using the computer.

ARGH.

At times like this, Simple Simon's spaceship always comes to mind. How I wish I had one like him too! But my actions would be seen as abnormal and unforgiven, seeing that he had Asperger's; his queer actions are indeed justified to some level. For me, it'd be just a plain stupid act.

Then again, it would be so hot inside. Not a good choice.

How to improve one's English? I'm too lazy a person to thoroughly work through books like some other people I've observed. Books to me are a source of entertainment, not for work. There's still this huge stack of books I'm forcing myself to read, but can't seem to finish. I cite lack of time as the excuse, but I suppose it's actually more of the stubborn mind refusing to munch through those words with "education" as the aim, instead of " entertainment".

GAH.

Lately my attention is all consumed by movies, movies and movies. Commercial hits, chic- lit, light comedy, depressing stories, psychological thrillers...

Is that addiction contributing to my short attention span and alexithymia?

Maybe, maybe.

I need to write! But where, how, what about?

Entertainment galore!

Their a Capella rendition of Just the way you are/ Just a dream caught me.

I just had to watch the movie, despite being put off by Anna Kendricks acting in the trailer and the seemingly, heroine driven plot of the story that is SO, not to my taste.

Well, the music was absolutely worth listening to, and Anna Kendricks acting is just like what the trailer suggests. Stiff. Rigid. Her character is arrogant and stubborn, but that's alright. It actually increased the movie's value since imperfect characters are my favorite ( Sorry, I just can't accept perfect people with bees buzzing around them constantly. Makes me jealous. Ha, just kidding). For the heroine driven plot, it actually wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. As mentioned, her character is flawed, and the other characters all have their moment to shine too, especially Fat Amy, who is probably the real star of the show.

The fact that she calls herself "fat" is funny enough, and combined with her laugh-inducing lines all throughout the movie, Fat Amy makes a wonderful and memorable character. I always roll in laughter when she appears in the screen. No need to mention of course, that most of the quotes from the movie comes from her.

She isn't the only comical person, of course. There's also the weird Asian girl who looks like a goldfish. Non of whatever she says is audible, and she creeps me out with her wide, wide eyes. Her most epic line: " I ate my twin in the womb."

Come to think of it, the entire film was actually very hilarious. Lots of ridiculous bits in it ( the barfing part!) but they all fit into the plot perfectly. Lots of witty lines as well, with nothing taken too seriously. It seems to aptly capture the atmosphere of an exciting college life ( if that is what it is) together with all the drinking, partying, music, friends, fighting... It is a tiny bit intimidating, really. I wonder if it will really be this way there? It is a future that I shall soon face, and I sure hope that it will be as fun as the film depicts. And that I would meet someone as fun as Jesse ( fangirling!) or, someone as weird as Fat Amy ( hmm...).

Pitch Perfect, all to the college experience!

If you allow me to whisper into your ear

all my insecurities and fear, then you'd realize what a shadow of grandiosity I am, that all you might have thought of me is but an illusion hidden behind mighty words and image.

I am nothing, just an ignorant person knowing that she's supposed to be dreaming big, thus she does so but not really knowing which direction is she heading towards.

If I whisper my secrets into your ears, you'd see the vulnerability and confusion in my eyes, along with the silent screams.

I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm suppose to do, if what I'm doing is correct, and what the - am I doing whatever I'm doing now.

Big dreams, fall hard.

But it probably wasn't even a dream after all. Just some passing notion that stuck to my head.

Of...grand principles?

Of choices

Of opinions

Of fairytales

Of rivalry

Of adolescence

Of insecurity

Of curious silence

Of that tingling pleasant sensation

It was right after the finals and I was desperate for something funny yet not foolish. It had to be heart warming to return some sense of positive emotion into my thirsty soul, contain some form of romance that stays away from the classic clichés and some element of humour that does NOT stem from dirty, lowly jokes.

Crazy, stupid, love was the best answer offered.

See that beautiful smile up there? Yeah, that's the exact emotion displayed when I watched this movie, except for parts where I rolled in laughter ( Steve Carell is in the movie. STEVE CARELL).

I'm generally not a fan of contemporary romance on-screen flicks, but this one is pretty different. It wins at how simple, straightforward and funny it is, never bothering to burden us with cliche, boring details. Yet everything still falls into place.



I've run out of stuff to write about this movie. Shall write again when that feeling returns.

I SHAN'T care!

Fine, I'll admit to my own queer ways, and I would love to avoid gatherings of which have not much enjoyment to me. The distance is there and I am not so sure that it can be mended any further, nor am I in a disposition or mood to make an effort to do so. Only for those few that I hold dear, I shall venture forward to semen our ties.

Call me antisocial, but I do what I want, to my preference.

Somehow, as I mentally review the friends I have made, true soul mates are little and between. They all have different qualities that I hold dear, and I suppose would feel depressed if I were to lose any of them. But they are not many, they are few. It's a conclusion I've came by, that my character is such that a "gang" life is unsuitable and I'd become a hermit if left to my own devices. Not something that I particularly like, in fact, I'm wondering if I can venture from that path and make deeper ties with all the friends that I have now.

Yeah, maybe.

I have this repetitive urge to throw my arms into the air and scream.

Plunge into the stream of ordinary!

Oh man.

I'm suffering from this constant feeling of... dissatisfaction with every thing. Nothing seems to please me now, I find fault with everything. I can't seem to make any proper decisions right now, and there so many desires springing up from within that I know are beyond my reach. To obtain them would require change of many sorts, huge, drastic changes.

The end of every year is a time for me to rearrange my thoughts and feelings as to emerge as a better person in the next period, which, unfortunately ends up in another episode of failure. It ends in exhaustion.

Shit. I'm out of words.

These days my thoughts just go like this ______ ___ ___________ ______ _________

There is a lack of words to describe my emotions.

Alexithymia

ohuh

I stare into the mirror and a face of an old lady stares back at me.

Except that this old lady has an abundance of pimples.

What happened to me? I look like an unhealthy teenager who spent too many a days eating junk food and staring at the computer, with an ashen face, pimply cheek, deep eye bags, oily skin, unhealthy skin tone, straight dry and messy hair.

Oh my.

Lots of random things in my head

that I've just got to spit out before I continue with my studies ( which I am wondering how am I ever going to finish. 4.0 is already far at a distant horizon, I hope 3.90 won't follow suit).

I really hate it when ideas or thoughts flood your mind for one second and then leave it completely empty the next. I feel so uninspired now. Streams, literally streams of thoughts were flowing through my head all day which I had to put aside to prepare for my exams, but they crept away silently as the semantic knowledge came to substitute its place. Oh, how I hate it.

I hope for someone to read me, although I already fully know who I am. It's just more comforting to hear it from someone else, as if you need some verification for your judgements. Even when it is towards yourself.

I remember how I used to wish to be different, unique from the others. That probably stemmed from some childhood trauma that made me make the decision to always take the other route, the road not taken. Avoid conflicts at all cause, be weird rather then be hated. Weird.

Now I'm sometimes regretting that decision, because being normal gives so much less problems. Or the problems faced will be more common and shared by others too. But then again, one tiny decision can't make that much a difference unless there was already a predisposition to it- my personality. Perhaps it was already destined to be that way.

What else, what else.

Ah. What goes around comes around. Things that happened to me, are happening again. This time I know it's not their problem: it's definitely mine. Otherwise how can it happen twice to the same person?

Sometimes I suspect the motives behind every of my actions. There always seems to be an inkling of insincerity there, as if whatever I'm doing is just for the show, to fit into the expectation of others.

If you left me to my own device, I wonder what will I do.