Lost in translation

The first time I heard about this movie, I was already in stitches to watch it. Something about a couple lost in a city tempts me, an imagery for blurry neon lights swirling and blinking in the foreground with streams of people rushing past leaving only trails of colours, all surrounding one person stuck, lost, confused in the middle appears in my mind. Static, clear, sharp form of a human, the only distinguishable object in the image, but in his/her eyes, there's everything but clarity. Loss of focus. However, the aspect of romance from the first glance about the movie from reviews, synopsis and writings fed me doubts about it. I dislike movies whom advocate romance as a key for solving crisis in life. No, it's way to illogical, unreal, idyllic, romantic and unbelievable to me.

So when I finally got around to watching the movie, I was sceptical. Luckily for me, Sofia Coppola wasn't one of churning passion and huge actions or emotions in her directing. Nope, was there even romance? Probably, yes but from my perspective, it was more of companionship, a deeper, intimate level of friendship between the male and female protagonists rather then romance. I love how she told the story through casual, spontaneous conversations between the characters with no need for extra explanations of storytelling. You know the relationship between the girl and her husband is facing problems as you hear their conversation, one speaking, the other barely listening, one asking, the other not bothering to understand. You can also pick up the details just by observing the setting, the characters, their emotions and well- acting. I love how you can sense their loss of direction and awkwardness through the scenes, without any need for statements or writings. They both switched on their tellies in the hotel, flipped through the channels, unable to find anything interesting or even audible, in fact, as all the programmes were in Japanese, even the western shows dubbed Japanese. The only form of escapism robbed. Lost.

Another of my favourite part is when both of them lay on the bed, chatting in intermittent conversations. They weren't looking at each other, only lying on the bed in their comfortable positions talking, almost lazily to each other. The topic then proceeded to deeper issues, problems faced by both in their lives currently, which then the girl asks the guy if her issues will ever go away. The guy answered truthfully, minimally and I love how even he seemed unsure of his answers. I never like movies portraying people as wise, smart, perfect people.

But above all that, the best thing I like about the movie would have to be the fact that even by the end of the movie, their problems were not solved. They were still the same as before, still on the road to search for a better life, to joy, satisfaction. But on this tough road, they met each other, strangers on a strange piece of land and gave each other comfort and strength, albeit only for a short moment. But it's these random strangers we meet on our path whom offer us the best advice and revelation sometimes.

" I just don't know what I'm suppose to be."
" You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you'll let things upset you."

I hate it when I'm unable to convey my emotions in words. It like constipation. Can't find the correct words.

So, what's the rush?

Sometimes I am in doubt about my aims and purpose in life. This never ending pursuit for improvement and self- discovery, for what use is it? Why am I in such a rush to constantly uncover flaws and correct them? Why must I be so unsatisfied with myself? Why? What about other people. Does everyone strive for change and self-improvement too? For what reason? To be accepted by peers? To get more friends? To resolve conflicts? To appease others? To gain success? But then who said success is required in life? Is self- satisfaction a criteria of success? Getting an accomplished career, does it define success? To carry the correct attitude, correct behaviour, is that success? Or is being popular, loved by everyone, accepted by majority, being first choice successful? Is that the reason for self- improvement? Or is it just to become a better person? Then again, why? Why do people want to become a better person? What IS a better person? From one's perspective, or from the majority's views? Should I become a better person so that people will love me more, or that I will feel better with myself? But then why should I want people to love me? So that I can feel useful, accepted? Why the need to identify and feel accepted? To fill the void in our hearts, yearning for companionship and acceptance? Or just so that others will not perceive me as a poor and pitiful girl with no friends? Then again, why care what others think? Peer pressure.

I should not force myself to be like others. I'm not outgoing, I'm not fun, I'm not humorous, I'm not easygoing. I'm just, me. The girl who loves to stay at home, read, watch movies, loves heart-to-heart and thought provoking talks, enjoys reverie, craps when confident, silent when not, lacks personality when with stronger people, dominating when the inner perfectionist kicks in, forever unsure of herself but puts on a facade that I'm a happy-go-lucky person, hard to get close to and forever, trying to overcome something.

-宁愿一个人也不想做一群人的角落. [我可能不会爱你]
- 你才刚出了门,你就开始在等,你等着快回家,回到你的围城[五月天,第二个人生]

Humpy dumpty

Will always fall down the wall unless he decides to lose weight and stop sitting on steep walls. I'm slipping back into the same pits. Screaming, flailing arms, despair, fear stricken eyes Nooooooooooo I don't want to be that person again! There's something bugging me now that I dare not write it here Or anywhere.

Halt all processes!

I used to be proud that I'm different, I'm unique, a nerd who's proud of it and doesn't care about other people. Then, I began to hope that I was wired like everyone else and become normal. At the darkest hours, it seemed exhausting to become me, to be someone who's unlike anyone else in the world. We all are unique in our way, so there's no one else for us to model or base ourselves unto, much less compare. To do that would be unrealistic, seeing that multitudes of factors would have to be taken into consideration. Sometimes I get lost and confused, unsure of how to live my life, how to think, unable to judge the validity of my actions and thoughts. There's no one for me to imitate, no one for me to learn from. I am unable to learn for others mistakes, gauge the consequences. Is it alright to think this way? Is something wrong with me? Should this action or thought be modified for the better? Am I destroying my future? Will I regret this move? Only I can make my own decisions, live out my life, the way I want it. But is that alright? Is it what I really want?whats that gnawing feeling at the back of my mind when I behave that way? When I just let myself go and be who I want to be? It's not good, isn't it? It's not what i am expected to be, it's not a behavior conducive for success, it's not how a nice person is suppose to behave. It will restrict my experiences, minimize my circle, reduce my opportunities. I can't live like that, I will not be happy. But that seems to be what I want. Then why the unhappiness? Because the thought of my desires is all but a defense mechanism, a misconception? Or due to peer pressure? What if, who I want to be is not who I am? Should I change my ideals, or should I strive to achieve it, since they say that where there's a will, then it can be completed. Unrealistic, illogical, idyllic. But somehow giving up would promise remorse in the future. I don't want to care, I don't want to cre, I don't want to care, I don't want to care, I don't want to care. Can I just be tht way even if my future will be destructed in my own hands?

Self defense mechanisms

Freud's a smart guy. Or rather, an observant and frank guy. As much as some people may doubt his theories, I'm very much impressed and convinced by his theories, except for the sex part. Defense mechanisms, something inborn since young. I've always been aware of its presence, only it was never given a proper name, this " tendency". I always know when I'm lying. The truth, the most primitive, original of desires are stored somewhere deep in one of our pockets. We know the exact location of it, but we're most probably just pretending to be confused and appear dumb. Appear troubled. Frank,frank, frank. Frank wil be my new name.

Keys

They're not the most desirable items in the world, are they? Yes, they're the only solution to locks but if you didn't need locks in the first place, where would keys be?

But locks are ubiquitous, consequently keys are essential.

Communication, I need to work on that. Among all my flaws, that's one of my worse. Be sociable, be sociable, it'll benefit you in the future when you need help and inspiration. You'll have a vast range of resources to extract upon. Of course, not that friends are for utilizing only but it's a true fact that the more people you know, the more of the world you discover. I should shed my unwillingness to communicate in a deeper level and instead plunge into the world with a set mind.

A set mind. So despite being in this whirlwind, I'm still myself.

Distinction, between what you expect and not.

I expected more of the movie. Something more in-depth, intense, rather then just a flow of the plot telling the story only at its surface. Of course, I h aven't finished the book yet but up until where i've devoured, the characters had more soul and color to them then shown in the movie. This is one obstacle that book-turned-movies have to face typically, the translation of humans' character and emotions from words into real-life action without long-winded narratives. Jack Nicholson as McMurphy was undeniably interesting and fun to watch, but somehow I just couldn't catch the motives behind him, his thoughts and why he was who he was. Maybe it takes a more observant eye to pick that up, but I certainly couldn't feel anything. It was as if he were doing it just for the sake of it( most probably, yes) but if I had no prior knowledge about the disorder he suffered from,  the whole movie would be just of

The power of writing. When you write things down, you will be able to suddenly see things from a different perspective. For me, at least. I always end up being sceptical of whatever I'm thinking or writing once I put my pen down to it. A writer's block in my context would be the doubting of my stand. Maybe that's the point of the movie, isn't it? It isn't so much about the psychological disorders, not about him, not about the reasons behind his actions. That's probably why they didn't even properly state him as a mental disorder patient, nor mention his illness, or reveal his past. Maybe it's more on the rebellion against the system, to stand up against oppression and be jolted from our induced daze resulted from the urge to avoid confrontation, problems and fears. Sometimes we get so caught up in our roles or given roles that we forget who we are, we start living the character that is expected of us. Sooner or later, we begin to lose our confidence, however much the system or authority is bringing pain and anguish to us, we believe that there is no use fighting back. Or rather, we can't. Because we're born this way, because they're only trying to help us! These sadistic methods they're employing may be detrimental to us but it's for our good, for our good.
Then someone like McMurphy comes and remind everyone that they're normal, they're okay, they can decide their future, their problems can be solved.

At least, we tried. Even if it doesn't work, at least, we tried.

That was the most memorable sentence uttered by Jack's character in the movie. The part where he tried to convince the other patients that he aws able to lift this huge and heavy water basin from the floor and asked persuaded them to place bets on him. The outcome was definitely unpredictable, for my ever-so-typical mind was expecting him to be able to carry out the task he was so confident of. But he didn't. He tried, got all bloated up in his face, he tried, but he still failed. After several attempts, he walks away from the crowd, and says :" Well, at least I tried." Such an ordinary phrase but holds deep meanings. To me, at least. :D

I should try, try, and try again. You never know how things are going to be, nor are we sure about ourselves, every aspect of ourself. So it wouldn't hurt to do what we want, what we think is right, and live our lives the way we want it, right? Or more importantly, to go after our dreams, may it be not my strenght, may it be that the future seems umpromising, may it be that it will be a road of pits and holes.

At least, I tried, at least, I tasted the joy and satisfaction even if it only lasted a split second.

The worse feeling

Is to be unable to control yourself. Losing grip of your emotions is only the most minor of fears, but imagine the sensation of being unable to control your physical movements. I've been haunted by the same dream a few times already, dreaming that I woke up and forced my eyelids to open. But they just won't budge and however hard I try, they just won't open. Then suddenly I succeeded, but realized that it was just a hallucination. No, I can't control my movements. Another recurrent dream is one of me losing my teeth, for some reason. When I roll my tongue over my teeth, they crumble and leave the gum. I end up chewing my teeth, spitting them out and realizing I don't have any teeth left. According to Freud, our dreams convey oppressed thoughts and conflicts in our unconscious mind. So the latent meaning and manifest meaning of my dreams should pinpoint the problems I'm currently facing now. Losing teeth and control of body. What does that mean?

What the?

I feel very shallow-minded now. What am I doing? I hate getting hooked to dramas! They dominate my thoughts. The only way to get rid of them is to constantly think about it then get bored. But the process can be quite torturing, since that a huge chunk of my time will be waste. Ah well. I like this show for its "reality", for its unconventional way of telling a story. The way it deals with much deeper issues about love, marriage, friendship and companionship is endearing. :)