That

Two days of utter loneliness, caged inside my house, alone, catching up with all that accumulated work. It wasn't really enjoying silence, maybe because habit made makes me uneasy whenever the house is too quiet when I'm alone at home. Every pin drop becomes a huge quake.

Being alone makes you productive.

Being alone gives you peace and calm.

Being alone allows you to reflect upon yourself.

But it can go too far, you allow your emotions to take full control of your being. If only frustrations can flow like tears do.

When you're alone, you're vulnerable. Tears flow without a single warning, with the tiniest provocation. A slightest action sends you thinking beyond the skies, making the most far fetched conclusions. Yet you know they're not far fetched. Intuitions are normally true, and deep inside your heart you know that, you just don't want to face it.

The trivial things that make you sad. The things that you think you've gotten over, haunt you again.

You're not that strong after all, you realise. Maybe you've fallen deeper then you realise.

It's terrifying realising how fragile you are! I have the urge to just lie on someone's shoulders and cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, forcing all those disturbing thoughts, sadness, disappointments and frustrations to leave your mind. Don't ask me why, I'll never be able to say why. The words won't form.

I should really read more. The lack of vocabulary is making me feel stuck and suffocated. They can't be labelled any more. No description, no release. So instead they come in the form of tears.

I'm confused, really. Don't feel like making a change but, everything seems to be nudging at that direction. Maybe I shouldn't be so naive after all.

I keep telling myself to accept, accept, tolerate, pursue your desires. Do you have the courage?

Sometimes you just get so tired, all you want to do is lie still, be alone and stare into space.

I used to think that the highest standard of a close friend or partner you can reach is when you can be silent with each other, yet derive the utmost comfort from it. To be able to understand each other well enough without any guessing games, to not have to constantly entertain the other.

Otherwise I feel as if I've been entertaining people for far too long. Far too often. It's boring.

Often times I wonder if it is unlucky for me to be born with such a serious personality. I know myself, my core personality, it would most probably be considered a boring person. But oh well, I'm sorry. Not that I don't like crapping, having fun, making jokes but, not always. I'll admit, I like serious talk, I like to stay at home, I like to read, I like to stare into the sea and do nothing, I like to cry when I watch movies, I like to analyse what I read, what I see. Is that boring? I don't know. But people seem to get the wrong idea, thinking I'm what my surface personality promises.

I'm a nerd and I don't care.

AH. The woes.

I can't believe I'm still worried over these sort of things. How old am I?

It takes courage to own up to your true self, it may not be who you want yourself to be. I've always forced myself to know more people, make more friends, because I know that's what I want, I want friends, I want to feel loved, I want to feel important, but. But I'm so lazy to take the effort to do so. I should, I should.

I remember telling someone before that if I had the choice, I would be a hermit and stay inside a cave.

It would only succeed if you've never been exposed to the world, because you will learn to desire and fear. Victimized by peer pressure and mainstream beliefs. You can't escape.

When you leave me alone for too long, I escape into my little world, my little abyss that is obscured with darkness and ridiculous thoughts. I can't get back.