Accumulation

All that pent up anger and emotions are eating me up inside. I have a niggling suspicion that, if I were to be met with any accident that would leave me crippled, I would grab that opportunity to wallow in sadness and wail over misfortune. It's as if I'm waiting for a legitimate reason to break down, some event that justifies one urge to simply dwell in sorrow and self pity.

But then, think again, and I realise that I have nothing to be so depressed about. My life is wonderful, I have all the things that contribute to a good life, an enviable life, a comfortable life. What am I fretting about?

The little things, the tiny disappointments, that insecurity, the frustrating worries that nip away your patience and faith day by day, snippet by snippet.

Or just the disbelief of what I am, truly, that scares me. Some time ago, I realised that I was incapable of experiencing an altruistic concern for others, sympathy, love, care. When I see how people treat and look after their loved ones, I have to admit, these gestures never even crossed my mind. I was probably too engrossed in my own world and life that everything else is neglected, nothing is as important as, me.

That world that revolved around myself was quiet, peaceful, boring and detrimental.

Now I realise that, no, it wasn't that I was obsessed with myself. The reason I didn't feel strong emotions towards others was that I didn't allow myself to. Maybe I was too afraid, aware of the vulnerability if you expose yourself to all these intense relationships and emotions.

Accept the rules of the world and how it runs, and thou shalt be well. Have faith and patience, everything happens for a reason. If it hasn't dawned on you yet, then maybe life is trying to tell you something. If it doesn't happen now, then maybe it's not your time yet.

I am still trying to convince myself.