Lots of random things in my head

that I've just got to spit out before I continue with my studies ( which I am wondering how am I ever going to finish. 4.0 is already far at a distant horizon, I hope 3.90 won't follow suit).

I really hate it when ideas or thoughts flood your mind for one second and then leave it completely empty the next. I feel so uninspired now. Streams, literally streams of thoughts were flowing through my head all day which I had to put aside to prepare for my exams, but they crept away silently as the semantic knowledge came to substitute its place. Oh, how I hate it.

I hope for someone to read me, although I already fully know who I am. It's just more comforting to hear it from someone else, as if you need some verification for your judgements. Even when it is towards yourself.

I remember how I used to wish to be different, unique from the others. That probably stemmed from some childhood trauma that made me make the decision to always take the other route, the road not taken. Avoid conflicts at all cause, be weird rather then be hated. Weird.

Now I'm sometimes regretting that decision, because being normal gives so much less problems. Or the problems faced will be more common and shared by others too. But then again, one tiny decision can't make that much a difference unless there was already a predisposition to it- my personality. Perhaps it was already destined to be that way.

What else, what else.

Ah. What goes around comes around. Things that happened to me, are happening again. This time I know it's not their problem: it's definitely mine. Otherwise how can it happen twice to the same person?

Sometimes I suspect the motives behind every of my actions. There always seems to be an inkling of insincerity there, as if whatever I'm doing is just for the show, to fit into the expectation of others.

If you left me to my own device, I wonder what will I do.