Sometimes

Sometimes negative feelings just hit me out of the blue, right at my face. It's worse when that happens during the day, when I'm in classes, with friends, out of contact from those closest to me, away from anything that can distract me from the moment. All I want to do is go home.

A little confused right now. Who I am seems not to be who I thought I am. When I envy others, I don't realise what is it about them that I envied in the first place, when they rebut me with their inquiries of why, of all people, I think they're fine, they're perfect. Fine, I have the tendency to idealize people in my mind, once I see a quality of them that I find admirable, everything about that person will most probably seem as rosy and enviable as well. Then I lose myself in self- pity, thinking that I have none while the other has all. When the truth dawns, everything seems otherwise.

I'm battling with those conflicting thoughts and emotions now. So what does it mean to like someone? Is it just purely the feeling, that little stir in your heart when you see the person or does it depend on how compatible your beliefs and habits are with the other person? If you feel that attraction there, but can't accept certain aspects of the other party, then is it still considered as liking? Is it still justified to let yourself indulge in that feeling? Or should it be halted? Since it will come to nothing, might as well severe the ties before it gets deeper. How about when you know the outcome will not be a pretty one? Ah. I want to just let go and be normal.

Secrets can sometimes trip you on the foot. You get so entangled with all these secrets, ones that you know, ones that you aren't suppose to know, ones that you want to know, ones that you are ignorant of. They can spoil a relationship.

I can't say I know how to communicate, and I'm serious when I say that. People may disagree with me, and I've given up trying to explain but it's the raw, bare truth. How to get into a more intimate level with others? I'm clueless to that. My true personality is not pleasing, nor favourable probably to the mainstream fun-loving, sociable people. I can't share. Or rather, there's nothing to share.

i actually admire your way of talking to others, i admire how you treat others, and i admire your relationship. yeah.

There are instances when i'm totally speechless and don't know what conversation topics to broach upon with others. Or how to reply.

This is one of them.

hm.

irksome

irate, annoyance, anger, frustration, blah

Mistep

One wrong step that can lead to a lifetime of regrets. I can't shake the feeling that I just did a lot of stupid things this weekend that if given a chance again, I would prevent myself from doing it. All those evil thoughts that pop up in my head are chipping my patience off, so maybe that was one of the reasons that prompted me to make that rash decision. And for the other, lousy advice or improper timing, I think I could've done better. Much better. Once lost, lost forever.

Why'd I do that?

Well. Things have got to be cleared, no matter how difficult. Otherwise clogged up feelings will only choke you and ruin your life. THEN you'll regret.

It seems like life is repeating itself again. But I don't want to! I don't want to fall into the same pits again, but yet I'm threading my old path of footsteps despite knowing what the future holds. Optimism can only hold out that far. I shall try my best to deviate from it, deviate to the path not taken. I don't want these things to hold me up.

Old worries, old troubles, old me.

Expectations. Once you have em, they become an addiction that you wish you never had.

Friendship

Another thought circling my mind these days. I remember there was once this thought struck me- that people were all selfish. We forge relationship with others for our own benefits only, we do things for our own pleasure only. Why do you hang out with her? Because she makes you feel happy, because she serves as an outlet for your frustrations, a source of comfort when you're down. Why do you help him? So that you feel better, that you've done a good deed, so you won't feel guilty, because he'll remember you, because you may become good friends after this, because others expect you to.  Not referring to anyone here, of course.

Is that it?

Then I thought again, maybe not. Or maybe yes. But does that matter? The fact that we all live for our own purposes only, but still manage to bring happiness to each others lives should cover that fact, right? The fact that it may be the ugly truth, but we are all comfortable with it, that we're all living wonderfully despite of it.

Does the logic still stand?

Friends. So if they're solely as a source of comfort and happiness, then if there's differences between you and your friend's beliefs and habits, what to do? You're still good friends, used to be and still want to be. What should you do then? Compromise? Compromising would lead to a certain level of irritability, discomfort, because you're not used to it. Sacrifices may have to be made. So then is the friendship worth it? Worth all these discomforts? Or should we take the route of " why push it? If it makes you unhappy?"

I suppose it will all boil down to how much you value your friend.

Are you willing to change yourself for others?

I am, if you are too.

Into the depths of my heart

I like people who know themselves well. They know where their faults are, what their preferences are. Yet, with that full knowledge they are still willing to share themselves, and maybe compromise a little with others, with friends, with partners. Lately I've been seeing a lot of my flaws showing up right in front of my face, things that i thought i've overcome but indeed, not. Challenges ahead, then. I appreciate their presence, as a source of motivation to push me forward, towards a better me. Otherwise everyday would be a waste, lost in empty conversations and daily rumblings. Is it? Or am I just yearning for too much? I need improvement, I need challenges in my life.
Changes.
Something that I need. Lately, if anyone were to ask what my wish were, I wouldn't know what to say. Material possessions are no longer of any tempt. What I want, cannot be given, unless i strive for it myself. Frankness, I suppose, is the best others can present to me.
To others, it seems as if i have no source of troubles. That's always the reply when i say i'm indeed, confused and troubled. They'll give me a quizzical stare, and ask " You? About what? You don't have much to be worried about!" Oh no. I'm sorry but, there's a lot.
I like people with principles, people who have a motto in life and follow it.
I like them, because I want to be like them.

Decay and Disuse

My English. Is deteriorating. Now I can't even utter a proper sentence of English without stuttering, searching for accurate phrases and struggling to correct my grammar before the sentence is blurted out of my mouth. Writing, seems to fare better but under intense pressure and panic situations, the words can't seem to be churned out either.

Been speaking too much chinese lately.

Oh please.

I was thinking along the lines of writing something about my first semester in college, then felt lazy. Too many events and experiences to put down on pen, especially when you aren't feeling particularly patient. So that nostalgic post shall have to wait for one miraculous day when I'm feeling marvellously patient.

I'll just write however I'm feeling right now. SO.
How are you?
Feeling kiddish and immature for being in knots over some grade school internal conflicts.
Why so?
Because of life? Because I've never really faced such situations before? Because I've always been so easygoing, or pretend to be, at least, all my life.
So?
So, I seem to be getting a culture shock after being exposed to so many different types of people. I cherish and love them all but can't help feeling queer at times. I feel abnormal.
Isn't being special good?
Not always. Sometimes you can derive pleasure and satisfaction when you think yourself different and unique, very much a strong personality but then sometimes you feel vulnerable because of that. Then you can't help hoping to just be like others, fit into the mould instead of being that sore thumb, sticking out partially willingly and partially unconsciously.
Friendship has always been a topic that you can't grasp, hasn't it?
True. Such a simple concept but yet I always do not have a clear notion of it. Probably I'm not confident enough in all these relationships I form, or I value my personal time and space too much. For one, I know that I'm insecure and pretty selfish. Mine, mine, mine and wholly mine.
Why're you so hung up over these matters, anyway.
I always have been. Just been avoiding it in the past few years, burying my head in work, living happily in my own world, then when i got thrust into reality without my old guards around me, my feathers were ruffled. Now i'm getting used to it, although it haunts me again sometimes. That old little pit is just too comfortable.
You don't see what you have, do you.
No. If humans can see what they have, they won't be greedy anymore. There'll be no such word as greed or satisfaction.
You need someone to put you back to perspective.
Yeah. who.
You don't like commitments.
No, I don't. So I wonder if i ever get into a relationship, how will it work.
Who you think you are and who you are, differ?
As deep as the marianna trench.

I'm in love with english.
I'm falling out of love with secrets.

Can't we all be less complicated, more daring and open?