Sometimes

Sometimes negative feelings just hit me out of the blue, right at my face. It's worse when that happens during the day, when I'm in classes, with friends, out of contact from those closest to me, away from anything that can distract me from the moment. All I want to do is go home.

A little confused right now. Who I am seems not to be who I thought I am. When I envy others, I don't realise what is it about them that I envied in the first place, when they rebut me with their inquiries of why, of all people, I think they're fine, they're perfect. Fine, I have the tendency to idealize people in my mind, once I see a quality of them that I find admirable, everything about that person will most probably seem as rosy and enviable as well. Then I lose myself in self- pity, thinking that I have none while the other has all. When the truth dawns, everything seems otherwise.

I'm battling with those conflicting thoughts and emotions now. So what does it mean to like someone? Is it just purely the feeling, that little stir in your heart when you see the person or does it depend on how compatible your beliefs and habits are with the other person? If you feel that attraction there, but can't accept certain aspects of the other party, then is it still considered as liking? Is it still justified to let yourself indulge in that feeling? Or should it be halted? Since it will come to nothing, might as well severe the ties before it gets deeper. How about when you know the outcome will not be a pretty one? Ah. I want to just let go and be normal.

Secrets can sometimes trip you on the foot. You get so entangled with all these secrets, ones that you know, ones that you aren't suppose to know, ones that you want to know, ones that you are ignorant of. They can spoil a relationship.

I can't say I know how to communicate, and I'm serious when I say that. People may disagree with me, and I've given up trying to explain but it's the raw, bare truth. How to get into a more intimate level with others? I'm clueless to that. My true personality is not pleasing, nor favourable probably to the mainstream fun-loving, sociable people. I can't share. Or rather, there's nothing to share.

i actually admire your way of talking to others, i admire how you treat others, and i admire your relationship. yeah.

There are instances when i'm totally speechless and don't know what conversation topics to broach upon with others. Or how to reply.

This is one of them.

hm.