痛心疾首

突然很想打华语. 虽然我每天在逼自己用英文来操作,不过到最后还是发现我比较喜欢用华语交谈,表达自己.应该是习惯吧.再坚持用英文多一些,就可以适应了.每天这样克制自己也不是很开心,所以心情很乱的时候就放肆一下也无妨.

明感,太明感了. 有些感觉就连自己也不敢承认拥有,因为实在是太丢脸了,我无法接受自己也会有这么的一天.被那么浅白的事物勒索着,竟然在意那么一个没意义的事.

在主流混久了,迟早也会被影响吧. 还是自己本来就过意不去,只是一直逃避现实告诉自己我不稀罕,我不介意,我不理会.

到最后是自己比任何人都更介意吧.

还是面对,接受这丑陋的事实好吧? 就承认自己是那么的庸俗,失败,脆弱.

勇敢的面对自己的短处!

我明感,任何点小细节都足以让我分析思考下定论. 不美的定论占多, 我宁愿相信最坏的预测.
我不喜欢爱情,因为它会让人选择. 因为它会让人不自由.因为它会让你知道, 嗯. 你永远不会是第一, 有她,就没有你.有他, 你算什么.爱情会让你想要拥有.
我没有那个资格.
要顾及形象,要顾及感受,要不迷失自己.何必?
我不喜欢别人突然和你停止联络.如果你讨厌我,就在我面前说.我最不喜欢隐藏,我最欣赏直接.
你有勇气当回真正的自己,就算多惹人厌也好,我就佩服你.
为什么要活着来娱乐别人.
可以不让我有胡思乱想的空间吗? 我真的会怀疑很多,我很多疑.不过巧的是,我怀疑的事情通常会成为事实,也许人有第六感是正确的吧.但是我还是不想面对这个事实,我宁愿相信这只是一个遐想.

哎.经常想成为另一个人.

Churning, pending, patience, frustration.

Maybe I'm just not fit to be in any language courses. I'm not talented in that area, much less an expertise in any spoken or written language. There's no clear slot for each of them in my mind, they get jumbled up all the time. What's so good about being multilingual? I get so frustrated every time a certain word can't be omitted from that huge archive of words inside my memory when I'm in desperate need for it. Everything in my life has to be labelled with a word, described with a phrase, explained with a sentence. Weird as it is, this helps the control freak in me get a sense of control and clear direction in life. I can't function without words! So that only goes to show how lack of vocabulary affects my emotional well being.

Oh thou Chinese and Malay, can you stay out of English's way? Let it through and save me from all that anxiety.

Talking about control freaks, I think mine is gradually dominating my life. Everything is revolving around me, me and me only, self possessed, self obsessed, lost, trying desperately to get ahold of the steering wheel, which is spinning around madly, too fast for me to hold onto, the ship heads into abyss, everything is thrown off board.

Affected by the most trivial of matters

Oh you sensitive soul. Do you know why I don't let you go wandering at times?
The more you see, the more you desire. You'll began to notice the smallest of things,
fret over the loss of attention, be ever so sensitive over what you don't have but others have.
Greediness will spread, it'll be beyond your control, and you'll not even know you've sunk deep unto it.
Only when you've already evolved to suit it's style and being, then you notice that you're the same color- as everything about you.

 Can you still differentiate which one is you?

It's a queer experience...

How weird it is to be ignored. I wonder why do people do that. How does friendship and communication work, anyway? Do we search for people with similar characters, or people with whom we can communicate without any friction? If we meet someone with whom we can get along well enough but is not the type of person we ideally want to be close with, what happens? Should we distance with each other? Or should the relationship go on? What if only one person thinks so, but the other not? Wouldn't it be plain rude to ignore someone else like that? Losing friends is never a pleasant feeling, however distant those two people may be. Without a reason, you'll be left in confusion wondering if you did something wrong. There's not enough courage to prompt you to ask the other person outrightly about the reason either. That would only seem to end the relationship even more. I wonder?

When you get sucked into the stream of popular beliefs, there's no coming back. Peer pressure has gotten ahold of you and you're growing to like it, admit it or not. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to accept it as it is and navigate the least painful way around it.

What if?

If there were a word to describe myself, " contradictory" would be the perfect one. I love changes, I love inconsistency because only with that, can we improve, learn and realise our faults. But I hate changes too, because of the insecurity it brings, the sense of sudden loss and confusion as to where you stand, where you are, what you are suppose to do. AUP is exactly characterized by change, unless you choose to stick with someone throughout the course without pursuing your own interests. To be in a familiar environment with people you know is comforting, and a perfect situation for me to sink in melancholy without fear or concern. That's because I know that even if I don't talk, even if I don't entertain, even if I don't please, there'll still be this few mounds of solid rock to support me from the back, I'm not alone. However, in a strange environment, full of new faces, you're eager to please, desperate to leave a good first impression upon others. Any outward behaviour of moodiness or negativity seems like the worse thing it can do to your  reputation, or image. Even if the truth is far from this, this scenario is already programmed into my stereotyped mind. Uncomfortable. How should it be then?

Why is it that in front of some people I lose my confidence and am unable to communicate well?

And the terror strikes!

Uh-oh. The wave of insecurity, low confidence and loss of belief has hit me, again! This monthly event always wreaks havoc mentally and pulls my self- esteem to the minimum point. Not that the inner turbulence is observable though, since that it is a fad now to becloud your inner emotions, otherwise it will only induce revulsion in others. There isn't much to be exhibited anyway, since that the issues concerned are painfully personal. Fear, fear, always the greatest enemy of humankind. It obstructs your path forward, it dampens your positivity.

Save me!
It's a cycle, just wait for it to pass by.

Principles

Only when you empty your cup, then can you fill it with more. 

Humble yourself at all times, otherwise there will be no space for improvement. 

You will not be able to learn anything new if you continue on being so arrogant and stubborn,

thinking that you can debate your way through life,

refusing to believe or conform to anything,

all because you're too proud to admit that you're incompetent.

Dare to fail, however much embarrassing it may be,

Fall and stand again, 

what's there to lose?

You'll lose much, much more from being so stuck up and stubborn.

Humble yourself!

Empty your cup.