They just won't come

Those words just don't come. I want to use those words, so beautiful words that I read, but they just won't come when I write. Maybe another method of learning is required.

" I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative to-night."
- Mr Rochester, Jane Eyre

Jeez

That's probably becoming my new favorite word, "jeez". Before things happen I can actually get a premonition. An inkling that something will go wrong in the future, a tiny siren blaring at the background. I normally choose to ignore that niggling sensation and just follow my desires, but they do not often end up where I want to be. Yes, I expected it to happen but I still feel upset over it. Call me a hypocrite.

I know that it is these circumstances that lead me to choose escapism, blocking out all thoughts that I HAVE, pretending that those are thoughts I SHOULDN'T have, thus try as much to eliminate them. It doesn't seem possible though, because of all the people you can lie to the world, you can't lie to yourself. It's a pointless effort.

I just hope things will be fine, better then before and I can make my cowardly self confront reality, strive to correct things, put my foot between the door. INTERVENTION, before another round of escapism seeps in.

Fleeting thoughts

Massacres, gang rapes, bullying, suicide... these tragedies never cease to bother mankind. It is of our own doing, torturing our own kind.

Sometimes I find it so frustrating, the thought that no man is truly evil. After every massacre there is immediately speculation about the mental health of the perpetrator; does he have antisocial personality disorder? Does he have conduct disorder? Does he/ she feel remorse for his/her actions? By massacre it doesn't only include physical harm- it also includes mental bullying that drives a person to suicide. Doesn't the culprit feel guilty? Don't they think about the consequences of their actions? Or are their conscious so obscured by the seething hatred within their souls?

Well, if it's the case of a mental illness, the hopes seem pretty dismal. These are troubled people, deeply troubled people. I've always wondered about people with antisocial personality disorder. What should be the appropriate punishment to impose upon them? They feel no guilt at anything they do, they will only do what they want. Any jail term or therapy doesn't seem of much effect on them, since well, they don't even think they're wrong. What should be done then? You can't keep them all in life- long jail sentences, and you can't release them out into the society. What to do then? I suppose of those who commit sever enough crimes would be sentenced to death. Is that a better option? Since maybe, only death is the option to save their souls from committing further crime. I don't know any successful cases of curing people with this disorder yet, but that's because I haven't researched on that. If a person with this disorder commits a crime, it'd be hard to hate on him. Your soul would crave to hate him/her, but yet you know he/she doesn't know they're in the wrong; they can't see from another person's point of view. So is that a sin?

Come to think about it, if the perpetrator were a normal person, it would make the whole case creepier, wouldn't it? That anger and vengeance can drive a sane person to such lengths. Which can be inferred that, any person beside you and me can be potential candidates for committing such a crime. Any normal person.

We need to talk about Kevin surfaces in my mind whenever news about massacres come about. The thing that struck me the deepest about it was well, what about the mother of the perpetrator? How does she feel? Can a mother hate her child? Can she? When her child has such a vicious and dangerous character? Can she stop herself from feeling hatred?

Reading about the Sandy Hook shooting case led me to the blog post by this mother who claims that her child is haunted by the same demons as Adam Lanza's. I don't know if that's truly the case, but that's another case of mental illness and Kevin-like plot. Except that the child hasn't committed aany crime yet, and let's hope he won't ever.

All these boils down to one point- we humans are so vulnerable. We can be controlled by our mere thoughts and feelings so much so to be driven to carry out lethal acts, inflicting pain unto others. We seem so exposed to these dangers, these subtle dangers lurking within the crowd. Who knows who will be the next victim or culprit? Mental illness can rob a person's sane judgment away. We are vulnerable, vulnerable.

At times like this, only God can help us. 
Gah this is all too depressing. Reading psychology actually strengthens my faith. Interesting.

Time to indulge in some fun stuff.

Personality

I wonder what it's like to have an unpleasant personality. They say personality is a persistent pattern of traits possessed since birth, so I suppose it's very much nature then nurture. Reading Jane Eyre made me think about it. Jane Eyre wasn't a pretty child- rather plain, she was, even until adulthood. She did not please her stepmother nor maids because she wasn't pretty like a doll, nor lively like them attention seekers. She was just, plain, normal and obedient. But she was disliked for that, only earning the affection of one maid.

Things changed for her during youth, of course, as she met the kind people of Mr. Rochester's house and later, her cousins.

But it still led me to wonder about it. Charlotte Bronte, the author's biography mentioned something about her being a serious, grave and stern person; a dinner party with her as the honoured guest left everyone feeling dull and disappointed. They were expecting lively, intelligent conversation, but that didn't happen. If it's true, then that's just her personality then; a quiet lady. But people didn't really like that, they seem to prefer lively, assertive and fun people. So should she change her personality? Is it wrong to possess a personality like that, so much so to cause discomfort to others? Let down other's expectations, unable to entertain others?

I wonder, is personality permanent? Is it something we should strive to preserve, or should we carve it according to our worldly demands? If your personality is something that doesn't parallel with the mainstream world and is causing you problems, or obstructing you from obtaining your desires, should you change it? Or should we instead be changing our desires and releasing ourselves from the grasp of peer pressure, putting our original personality as the main element to be preserved?

Which to change and which not to change?
What is right and what is wrong?
What should be done and what not to be done?

Sometimes I think that we should just do whatever we want, ceasing to think too much about the consequence. If we will fall, let it be; just climb up after that. But that takes a substantial amount of courage that I am still unable to accumulate yet.

Lessons from the innocent

The Karate Kid
It is undeniably just a film for entertainment, pure entertainment. I actually cringed from the amount of violence shown in the movie, especially of those children beating up each other accompanied by the exaggerated " thump" and " bam" sound effects. I'm surprised that no bones nor lives were lost from the level of damage supposedly imposed by those kicks. They certainly do SOUND lethal.

Are we really suppose to believe such a martial art competition is allowed whereby children fight each other on stone hard floors, breaking their soft bones?

My oh my.

Violent as it was, it was still a thrilling watch. Action movies starring Jackie Chan always promise a good fight scene- the choreography is awesome. I don't normally like watching fists and legs swinging about, but Jackie Chan can be my sole exception. Another redeeming point was that the story does involve some useful values in life. I was particularly taken by the scene when Dre was lying injured, pleading Mr Han to heal him so he can go out to the arena again.

" It's because I'm still afraid. I want to walk out of here today not being scared anymore!"

The originally reluctant Mr Han relented to the boy's wishes, moved by his determination. I suppose this scene reminded me of Charlie in Perks of being a wallflower, in the scene where he ventured into the middle of the dance floor to join Sam and Patrick. That's the spirit I'm trying to emulate currently, I suppose. The courage to face my fears, plunge myself into that field that fills me with uncertainty and fear. I will participate, and will not give up until all traces of fear are removed.

Aw yeah!

New year resolution!

To never awaken from a deep slumber

I think twice before taking a nap. Somehow there's this switch malfunctioning in me that disables the bodily alarm clock when I fall asleep. I just can't wake up, no matter how much I force myself to. I try to open my eyes but they are so tightly shut that hallucinations even begin to dawn on me. I don't know if my eyes are shut or opened, and whether the scene I'm seeing is real. Sometimes I suspect that I'm just dreaming that I'm awake. At times of confusion like these, I forcefully open my eyes and try to stand up. It doesn't work, because I stand up, but the eyelids are just so heavy that they will only stay open for half a second. Then comes the confusion again. I don't know if I'm really standing up or was that just in my dream? In the end, I just give up and continue to sleep.

The way my subconscious mind controls me is terrifying.

Walking between the realms of consciousness and dreams.

Nostalgia

If you're going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there

For those who come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
In the streets of San Francisco
Gentle people with flowers in their hair

All across the nation such a strange vibration
People in motion
There's a whole generation with a new explanation
People in motion people in motion

For those who come to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there

If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there