Bait, hooked.

I'm addicted, obsessed. the best cure? Indulge in it, suffer from the consequences, then you'll never dare to do it again. It's my principle of living.

So I spent one whole day immersing in a hobby considered sinful to me, but ordinary to others. It's the culprit of time wastage, at least to me. When I'm hooked to it, I can't think of anything else. Except for reimagining every scene of the show, analyzing the motives behind every move and action of the characters, pondering upon other possible outcomes. Mind occupying.

There's this hanging bait just above the surface of the water, not too far for the fishes to notice but close enough for them to realize its presence. But it's an ambiguous image that they perceive, a bait, or a hook? They are caught in confusion down there. Who will flip to the surface to discover the truth? Those who dare to take chances, those who aren't afraid of getting hurt, those who can put their pride down, those who are courageous. What may be the outcome, the consequences will be accepted. The swaying bait over the surface serves as this ever present symbol of desire, calling out to them. Take me, take me, take me. So how about the fisher above water level? He must be having a great deal of fun, placing all the fishes heart at his hands, pulling their heart strings, creating suspense. Whoever gets hooked, he'll evaluate, then make a decision. No, he's not really interested over those nameless fishes swimming below the surface in which he can't even see. It's just a test, a tryout. Evil? You can't say that either, as of everything in reality, no one, nothing's truly evil, nothing's truly bad. There's always a reasonable truth behind everything. So maybe that fisher is yearning for something else that he can't get, or is too afraid to get. To compensate for that fear or inferiority, the pond becomes his outlet to shine and prove self- worth.

I'm allowing my self to experience all these useless thoughts. Giving yourself a free reign on your emotions can get risky at times. A waste of time, I'll perceive it as.

Lukewarm

What to do when you start uncovering undesirable parts of people of whom you like? Not in the physical context, of course, but rather in their personality. Flaws, which are present in everybody and most of the time, can be tolerated or ignored. But as life is, I tend to idealize the people I like. Those seemingly unacceptable parts of their personality will then be even obvious, blinding my eyes from all their other redeeming values. Another obstacle that I try to overcome everyday. One, of the many. Many, many. That's how friends grow apart, I guess. But even though I'm realizing more and more pieces of his/her that I dislike, I still can't distance myself from him/ her. Instead, there seems to be an invisible force that holds our ties strong together, stronger then ever. No, I'm not the only tie. Maybe that's where the problem lies. Insecurity, dominance, uncontrollability. I miss my old friends. This new crowd is entertaining, fun and interesting to be with but I've grown so accustomed to our old habits that right now, whatever I'm experiencing loses its glamour when compared to the past. It's as if something is missing, that all our camaraderie is empty and pointless. I miss how we love to save money, save time, and instead spend all our time sitting in noisy food courts chatting our day away. Conversation, it's the best medicine to troubles. We didn't crap much, we didn't play a fool, we don't have to roam about pointlessly. Or watch movies just for the sake of it. Talking, or rather as I coin it, emo talking. My ever favorite pastime. So maybe I will find a group of friends like that again. Before I reach my limits and go mad.

Again and again

What goes around comes around. Justin Timberlake, then Beyonce's song intrudes Justin's thus dominating it.
Then I can't remember any song except for Beyonce's.

Annoying. I don't like that song at all.

Again, but at least I tried? Then received the same outcome. Well technically speaking, it's the first time I did anything like this. Not to the limits yet, of course. Take one step at a time.

Not that it matters, since it all boils down to the same conclusion. Life's just different for people, some people get it easy but then find it a nuisance, some people hope so hard for it but still, fail.

Different experiences for different people? I keep meeting these "genre" along my life. Not to say I don't cherish them, but im yearning for something else?

What am I talking about?

Confused, state of mind

I always wander away when I'm suppose to be studying. It's history all over again, I can't even place my finger at the source of the problem. Who's my people?

huh.

Too little, near to none, then suddenly too much that I can't keep control of.

WHAT.

too many things.

remnants

I dislike being second best, but it's all that I seem to be of worth lately. Everybody seems to have a different perception of me. Not who I see myself as. Does this mean my ideal and real self differs a lot? hmm.

Should do a survey.

Diversion, of attention.

To disentangle myself from this web of nonsense, I have come to a decision to divert my conscious attention and strength onto a different goal. One that is more beneficial for the future, and less challenging, from the aspect that the fruits to be bore are much more predictable.

To my dreams I shall head! I was blown away by all the people I met and fun I've enjoyed, and my purpose was slightly neglected for a moment. But seeing someone else strive so hard for their dreams made me feel guilty that I was having too much fun and wasting my energy being depressed over useless matters.

So I shall devote myself to the pursuit of my dreams, wholly! Utilize my time wisely on meaningful matters and eradicate all immature, childish, self centered and hopeless thoughts from my mind. Maybe by focusing on something else I shall become less vulnerable. And, take my mind off some matters bugging me now. They're menial stuff, really, that can't be put to words or expressed in any way. Except probably through grunts and moans. But that would be plain disturbing.

Not going to care that much about things that aren't ripe yet, just let things flow as they are. Whatever will happen, will eventually happen. I'll just wait for that one thing to materialise patiently.

Keep your eye on your dreams, and be the person you want to be. You're not there yet, you're still far from it.

Determination!
No pain, no gain. It's the bitter fruits that make life sweet.

The bipolar strikes, again.

That emotion deepened today, as if my possessions have been robbed, my privacy intruded. I looked for an escape route and thankfully found a pair of familiar, warm eyes greeting me at the other end.

Sometimes I feel as in life in college was a temporary heaven where I smiled and laughed and played all the time, then run home to my old friends to be really me again. It's become that desperate to a point where I must take the public transport home everyday, just to have those hours of solitude and calm. Any sad events that interfere with my college life will be pushed back and only thought upon after I leave the place.

 It's becoming a bad habit, so much so that sometimes I'm desperate to go home, refusing any offers of staying later. I need to go sulk in my lonely little corner, alone. Stare out of the windows at the moving pictures, feeling life going on, without me.

These thoughts are terribly selfish and immature, two words that symbolise me. I'm letting a free reign on my emotions, hence probably the freedom is tripping me on my feet, inducing feelings of despise, fear, insecurity, depression, anxiety. What if?

It seems that everyone can do, except that person. This is bad, so very bad, I'm becoming evil and vicious. Anyways, it was nice to know that someone feels the same way as me too, my emo partner :) next time when you're down, I shall try my best to cheer you up. So...better start collecting emo stories now :) and please, don't be so stressed for your exams and go grab your lunch at appropriate venues at accurate times! Library snacking does not count!