Halt all processes!

I used to be proud that I'm different, I'm unique, a nerd who's proud of it and doesn't care about other people. Then, I began to hope that I was wired like everyone else and become normal. At the darkest hours, it seemed exhausting to become me, to be someone who's unlike anyone else in the world. We all are unique in our way, so there's no one else for us to model or base ourselves unto, much less compare. To do that would be unrealistic, seeing that multitudes of factors would have to be taken into consideration. Sometimes I get lost and confused, unsure of how to live my life, how to think, unable to judge the validity of my actions and thoughts. There's no one for me to imitate, no one for me to learn from. I am unable to learn for others mistakes, gauge the consequences. Is it alright to think this way? Is something wrong with me? Should this action or thought be modified for the better? Am I destroying my future? Will I regret this move? Only I can make my own decisions, live out my life, the way I want it. But is that alright? Is it what I really want?whats that gnawing feeling at the back of my mind when I behave that way? When I just let myself go and be who I want to be? It's not good, isn't it? It's not what i am expected to be, it's not a behavior conducive for success, it's not how a nice person is suppose to behave. It will restrict my experiences, minimize my circle, reduce my opportunities. I can't live like that, I will not be happy. But that seems to be what I want. Then why the unhappiness? Because the thought of my desires is all but a defense mechanism, a misconception? Or due to peer pressure? What if, who I want to be is not who I am? Should I change my ideals, or should I strive to achieve it, since they say that where there's a will, then it can be completed. Unrealistic, illogical, idyllic. But somehow giving up would promise remorse in the future. I don't want to care, I don't want to cre, I don't want to care, I don't want to care, I don't want to care. Can I just be tht way even if my future will be destructed in my own hands?