Inner urgings

I'm looking for more. It feels so restless to be stuck here, with no changes whatsoever living a life with rigid schedules. I must be crazy, I always tell myself that, to be pursuing my interests instead of my strength, to engage in activities that I don't particularly favor, to spend my time in ways deemed wasteful, to not be out there at the field collecting experiences that can elevate me into another status. I'm looking for that catapult. Everything is so meaningless to me now, but as I've been passive for so many years, that piece of negative attitude is still threatening to dissipate my new found motivations. There must be more to life then this. There must be more that I can do other then this. There must be more that people care about other than that. I want to work for a cause, immerse myself in my passions and improve my mind. I know that I am most probably considered ignorant by the intellectuals but I want to be like them, because being so oblivious to the surroundings makes you susceptible to being bias, and being bias is the attitude that I hate the most. I suppose there's always this point in life when everything crashes down upon me and I feel burdened by the amount of lessons that I have to learn. There must be more to life then this. Ah well, I shall push myself to heights higher then currently achieved, and adopt methods to improve myself.

But first and foremost I have to rid myself of certain bad habits I've picked up.

I guess it's not that I don't like going out, but that I don't see any meaning to it if it occurs too often.

Gosh, ok, life lesson.

" Love others like you love yourself."

That is going to be the hardest lesson of all to master. As much as we think we already do that, question yourself: is it really so? Trace your every action to its original motives. What prompted you to act that way? Why do you make friends for? Why do you even love, if that is really love.

I've got to learn how to do it, I must, before I become some unfeeling robot.

Maybe the first step should be to stop thinking about yourself so much.

Thank you for letting me see this face of humanity that still exists, shifting my focus towards something more worthwhile.

Plan

I know, I know. All the signs are there, all the pieces are in place. He's arranged everything perfectly for me already, even offering me second chances where I failed.

But I'm still too confused and afraid to admit to His plan. I myself am not even steady, how so to help others? I admit I have the tendency to be self centered, to focus my view upon myself. I'm a horrible person, indeed. I have to admit I don't know what is love, what is care, what is ... never mind. Everything seems to be for a certain motive. At least, for me. I know who I am, and it's not a pretty sight at all.

Sometimes I get a glimpse of moving friendships, and they move me to the core when I observe how a person can care for another. It amazes me. I don't know how to do that, but I have a feeling that it's a lesson I'm going to have to learn soon. You don't realize how much you care for another person until some occasion arises. I don't know how to express my feelings, so I don't know if the method I treat my valued friends show how much I treasure them. Probably not? And I admit that I'm sensitive to things that I say I'm not, that I don't know how to help others, and that I back out when I know I can't give the person what he/she's needs.

I still find it haunting that the same type of person appeared again in my life. Maybe this time I will make the right move? I know He is being good to me, but I don't know if I have the capability to take this up.

Is this also another lesson for toleration?

I know that I have to widen my views of this world, and cease the internal focus of attention. I know that I have to break free and make a change.

So that's what I'm doing, in efforts to admit to the plan.

Thank you, for placing so many inspirational figures in my life.

Deja Vu

It's all happening again, everything. The same people, the same circumstances, the same challenges.

I still remember those crucial years, when my senior told me his personal analogy to life.

" You think I'm confident? I'm sorry, but all these are feigned. I'm only pretending to be confident- that is the key to being who I am today."

I really took all that he said to heart, really. Because he was so far ahead of me, seemingly so knowledgeable and mature about life, that I believed in what he said. He was one of the persons in my life who widened my perspective of the world and taught me to rebel. But of course, the later events in his life that revealed his vulnerability returned some humane light to him.

At that time, I was truly struggling with confidence issues. I had huge responsibilities upon my shoulders, sitting in a position that I felt I was incapable of excelling in, but nevertheless feeling overwhelmed by the trust others had in me. But I regret then, how I took his advice to feign confidence. On the surface it all seemed great, but I was a horrible big mess inside. I don't know what I was doing, why I was doing it, or anything. Everything was silenced with a " You can do it!" " who says you can't do it!" "you have confidence!" " You are capable of doing it!" " she's better then you, so what!"

None of that was helping me. It only aggravated my already severe inferiority complex.

I still remember how intimidated I felt facing the same challenges that haunted me some time ago. I always felt that after overcoming an obstacle, I won't have to face it again. Only that it is never true- it always comes back, again and again. Then I become so paranoid, so terrified to accept a reality that I've never improved; that I'm still in that horrible state of person so many years ago, that all present now is a mask. Just a show, when inside I'm still the same mess. I suppose that fear made me build a defensive wall around myself, refusing to let familiar challenges knock on the door again. Avoiding any potential circumstances that can bring such problems to surface. Feeling utterly intimidated when meeting with people of much higher potential.

It all got to me, and it's tiring. It's tiring. It's so exhausting to always realize how little you are, how inferior you are, how many weaknesses you possess. How disheartening to realize that the cancer you've supposedly solved years ago is on a relapse. Life is a loop, never ending. The same problems keep circling about, changing their forms from time to time.

I think it's time to let go of all that though. I don't know what is my ultimate aim, really. To become a perfect person? To become the person I want to be? But what is the person that I want to be? I've decided that I've got to face challenges head on, no matter how hurtful or degrading it is. Let it be all these obstacles to remind me to be humble, to be able to admit my ignorance, not be afraid to be stupid.

I think, confidence is not all that important after all. The thing that I've been pursuing for years, then after I've gained a meager proportion of it, guarded it with all my pride. Only to let it seep through the cracks rapidly. So confidence is not it, I think it's the eagerness to learn and improve. That's it! The eagerness and will to change, improve, and accept that there are many things for me to learn.

To stop being intimidated by great people, by fears, by insecurity. I don't ever want to feel lesser then myself ever again. Ever.

" If you do not empty your cup, how can you learn?"

mygosh

Revelations can dawn on you like a hurricane in the time span of 24 hours so fast that you barely have time to digest anything. After a period of uninspired drag, it's refreshing to be rejuvenated by this new stream of ideas again! Not to mention new introspective conclusions of course, after feeling constipated mentally for some time. These solutions I've come to, I hope it'll work. All it took was some directing, some guidance, some hints, that all finally culminate in a change of perception and attitude. But we all know how volatile those two fellows are- they evaporate in a second. I don't expect this mindset to hold long; it'll probably disintegrate by the time the next obstacle surfaces. But I just hope it'll stay long enough for a period of blissful learning.

It's like a cycle. My life is like a cycle, or a graph with fixed patterns. There is the plateau when nothing happens, there is the dip when everything goes downhill, there is the peak when I feel tremendously inspired.

I know I'm a hypocrite, because I desire for that something but I'm too intimidated to pursue it. I'm terrified. So I duck back to the comfort zone. I'm afraid of challenges, stemming from incidents long long ago that will be too long to elaborate here, not to mention personal. Too many cringe worthy memories in my store. I broke out of that egg shell long ago, stepping into another one. It's maybe time to break through this one too.

The longer I think of it, the more I can't find a personal philosophy that encompasses all my principles in life. They either seem too broad, too minuscule or too stupid to be mentioned. The only thing I can figure out is the one word to describe me- contradictory.

My gosh, I am nothing special, you won't remember me but I'd like to just be myself. The wall flower, maybe. Or I'll just morph into the wall and observe humans and their queer ways.

I want to watch some mind blowing movie and then launch into some great discussion about it. :(

( all points are unconnected. This is random typing, random typing.)

argh

Sometimes the tiniest things can annoy me beyond realms imaginable. The reason doesn't even have to make sense at all. I'm sitting here, doing my work, and there's this bright sweet voice of a girl ringing about the whole area, chatting to two deep voices. I don't know who they are, but that bright voice is annoying me with all her optimism and innocence of her speech.

I sound like some weird old lonely bat jealous of the youngster's spirit ( she is younger then me, I'm sure of that).

But I think it's more on her voice possessing such a high frequency. Not to mention her tone of voice.

Shall go and take a peek of her face.

OMG It's so irritating her voice! How to get out of my hiding place unnoticed? It seems rather impossible. Jeez, I should have gotten a more obscure place to hide, free of bright annoying voices.

Calm the raging storm

The locus of control is hard to comprehend at times. It is always known that people who believe that they live their lives at their will obtain a more optimistic outlook and generally, live happier. Oh I do believe that, but the I don't feel any happier though. There are times like this when I am unsatisfied with everything, frustrated that nothing is as desired, clueless as to what the next step should be. I am simply restless, restless, restless emotionally and physically.

Right now everything is annoying, everything antagonizes me, nothing is like what I want it to be, including myself.

When will all these end? Stop all those introspective shit and become like a normal person.

Is there some other universe in the world that I belong to, and I'm in the wrong place now?

It's like searching for that perfect calender to use, but never finding it.

I can understand the woes of the elves now- being immortal is no great gift. I cannot imagine living in this world for so long a time. It would be horrible.