Deja Vu

It's all happening again, everything. The same people, the same circumstances, the same challenges.

I still remember those crucial years, when my senior told me his personal analogy to life.

" You think I'm confident? I'm sorry, but all these are feigned. I'm only pretending to be confident- that is the key to being who I am today."

I really took all that he said to heart, really. Because he was so far ahead of me, seemingly so knowledgeable and mature about life, that I believed in what he said. He was one of the persons in my life who widened my perspective of the world and taught me to rebel. But of course, the later events in his life that revealed his vulnerability returned some humane light to him.

At that time, I was truly struggling with confidence issues. I had huge responsibilities upon my shoulders, sitting in a position that I felt I was incapable of excelling in, but nevertheless feeling overwhelmed by the trust others had in me. But I regret then, how I took his advice to feign confidence. On the surface it all seemed great, but I was a horrible big mess inside. I don't know what I was doing, why I was doing it, or anything. Everything was silenced with a " You can do it!" " who says you can't do it!" "you have confidence!" " You are capable of doing it!" " she's better then you, so what!"

None of that was helping me. It only aggravated my already severe inferiority complex.

I still remember how intimidated I felt facing the same challenges that haunted me some time ago. I always felt that after overcoming an obstacle, I won't have to face it again. Only that it is never true- it always comes back, again and again. Then I become so paranoid, so terrified to accept a reality that I've never improved; that I'm still in that horrible state of person so many years ago, that all present now is a mask. Just a show, when inside I'm still the same mess. I suppose that fear made me build a defensive wall around myself, refusing to let familiar challenges knock on the door again. Avoiding any potential circumstances that can bring such problems to surface. Feeling utterly intimidated when meeting with people of much higher potential.

It all got to me, and it's tiring. It's tiring. It's so exhausting to always realize how little you are, how inferior you are, how many weaknesses you possess. How disheartening to realize that the cancer you've supposedly solved years ago is on a relapse. Life is a loop, never ending. The same problems keep circling about, changing their forms from time to time.

I think it's time to let go of all that though. I don't know what is my ultimate aim, really. To become a perfect person? To become the person I want to be? But what is the person that I want to be? I've decided that I've got to face challenges head on, no matter how hurtful or degrading it is. Let it be all these obstacles to remind me to be humble, to be able to admit my ignorance, not be afraid to be stupid.

I think, confidence is not all that important after all. The thing that I've been pursuing for years, then after I've gained a meager proportion of it, guarded it with all my pride. Only to let it seep through the cracks rapidly. So confidence is not it, I think it's the eagerness to learn and improve. That's it! The eagerness and will to change, improve, and accept that there are many things for me to learn.

To stop being intimidated by great people, by fears, by insecurity. I don't ever want to feel lesser then myself ever again. Ever.

" If you do not empty your cup, how can you learn?"