URGE

To talk to someone. Anyone?

Today was a freaking rotten day. It held such promising hopes in the morning when I had a hearty chat with a long-lost friend! But once I stepped into the grounds of the college, everything just started tumbling downhill. It began gradually, little by little with tiny fragments of rocks shaking free from the dominating ground. Yes, I was lucky to have found friends to accompany me during my free time but somehow there was this emptiness lingering around as we were together. The companionship was more of one just for wasting time away before the next event/class comes around.

When it hit the talk, I got severely depressed. Besides it being insanely boring, pointless, I was in a bad mood. Everything the speaker did was torn apart into pieces, scrutinized to its very being and criticised without mercy. I didn't get the humour. Why was everyone laughing? It seemed so dry and lame to me, the only one sitting, sulking, stony face, staring at the speaker.

...

Couldn't even scramble away after the speech. Had to wait for someone to fetch me to the station.

Which was packed with tensed looking working people. They were my competitors for seating spots. Trudged passed them with a sour looking face.

Squeezed into the train compartment. No, no place to sit. Stood. Became a victim of inertia.

Ah.

My mood dropped to the lowest extremities at that moment. I could totally envision me crying in the train. Which would be weird.

But that turbulent emotional ride stopped abruptly as I made my way through the station, and.
BOUGHT MYSELF A SLICE OF SECRET RECIPE CHOCOLATE INDULGENCE CAKE!

With that cake, everything got better. I was even deeply moved by the kindness of us Malaysians giving up their seats for the aunties and the kids. Awww..

Life got better again.
Eating cures.

Old problems

Someone called me on the phone today. It seemed so reminiscent of the old times when I would be trying to convince someone to stay, to get along with their leaders, to accept the truth, to have confidence...

That all takes a lot of communication skills, doesn't it? Sad to say, I sucked at it. I don't think I helped them much, however much they said I did. Their problems are still present, I haven't succeeded fully in alleviating it. Maybe because all these actually depend much upon their own perseverance and well-being. I'm just a passer-by in their life, trying to help, ain't I?

I told her what I thought was right, and I hope she gets it. It's not easy to convince or persuade someone, especially when they're down and confused. Life gets tough in several ways, especially when you take this road. I understand all the pain that they are going through and feel guilty when I tell them it'll all be okay. Will it? It all depends on one's view of life, doesn't it? I've decided to be an optimist, to try and make the best out of every situation instead of sulking at a corner. It's the hard road to take, but one that gives plenty of opportunities to learn new experiences. Whatever used to be despised, becomes one's greatest asset in the future.

I'll never regret taking that path now. Yes, I sacrificed a whole lot for it, even precious time that could be spent on friends. Yes, it contributed to me failing every subject in form 4. But through that, I gained more, I'll always believe that.

Let's hope this optimist persists then!

Boundaries

There's this imaginary audience that constantly scrutinizes and jeers at me all day, especially when I do something uncharacteristic of me. In my mind, I could see people recoiling in horror and disgust as I gave my opinion. In reality? I don't know, actually. I reckon no one thought much of it, or even remembered it. I regretted the instant when I raised my hand and criticized the way they did it, and probably due to guilt didn't reply much to their rebuttals, or more precisely, explanations. I gave an affable smile, 'okay' sign and surrendered to them. At first it seemed as the appropriate reaction. But it was cowardice, wasn't it? No, I still don't agree with their method. No, the okay sign does not represent my thoughts and stance. So why did I behave that way, almost involuntarily? It has been something that I've been trying to overcome for ages, my tendency to surrender to authority easily. Give in to others without much persuasion. Is the peer pressure acting on me that intense? Afraid of offending people, losing their interest? After that incident I was so worried and took extra precaution to appear subdued, detached and pretend that I forgot it. In an attempt to seem normal. Jeez. where's my stubbornness that prevails when I'm with my family and close friends? The attitude that annoys me the most amazingly disappears when I'm in an unfamiliar surrounding and huge groups of people. Human minds are such a complex thing to understand, I haven't even fully understood myself. Yup. Please be stubborn?

Freak out

I wonder is there this world where there are no barriers. No social rules, no lines. We can just do whatever we want, yet with moral consciousness, avoid any actions that can pose harm to others. Letting go of all worries and perceptions yet behaving as good citizens. Freely speak, freely act, free of all traditional stereotypic roles.

How good would that be?

Daydreams

An unfocused mind, is an unproductive one. All to the fault of daydreaming,which seems voluntary but actually, takes a whole lot of effort to even get a grasp of it. My mind wanders all the time, becoming especially prevalent when I'm suppose to be doing something else. Time flies when you do that, doesn't it?

It can be addicting to immerse in a daydream, that idllyic realm of wonders and beauty, where everything that you desire can be achieved. It is deceiving, it can leave you at loss. When you drop back to reality, the ordinary seems dim, your life dull, prospects unsatisfying, lifeless. Longing, confusion, you'll just sink into depression, basically.

So it's better to not daydream.

Internal conversations,

With someone who bears the same name, same face, and same annoying smile.

yeah.

This is so random. I lost my inspiration to write after that first sentence. Must be that papaya's fault.

I need to improve my english
Can't lose to them!
GAR! And they're not even doing journalism, or anything faintly related to it.

I don't like to use bombastic words. Why?
Externally: To make things simple and understandable.
Internally; duh. Because i don't know much big words.

I don't like descriptive essays. Why?
Externally: They bore me out.
Internally: I can't write those stuff.

I don't like long winded, adjective filled essays
Externally: It should be short, concise and straight to the point!
Internally: yeah. I can't write that.

There's so much more, actually. But whatever, I'll improve my skills no matter what.

Descriptive essays are still not my thing though. Too impatient to read through all that crap.

i hate the library at eleven o clock because it is freaking noisy