I can't weave anything with my words any more. This chronic loss of words should be included in the DSM as some sort of mental illness- one characterized by severe anxiety due to loss of words.
Like now, I don't know how to describe everything that is inside my muddled brain.
What to do?
I'm lost, very lost, very guilty, very lost.
2012年10月17日 星期三
So maybe I'm Lost
That ubiquitous ache.
I told myself to just let go, to pursue my desires wholeheartedly without regard to the consequences or reality. I know what the outcome will be, but I just feel like going all out for it. Suddenly that surge of confidence and courage, coming out of nowhere, short lived, only to be followed by the thump of reality, hitting hard onto whatever piece of optimism you had there then.
When your heart sinks, it literally sinks.
You drop harder when you've got higher expectations. Sometimes I"m astounded by the way the world works. Everything is a two way relationship, without a mutual consent or agreement everything deteriorates, one party hurts and the other probably ignorant.
I told myself to just let go, to pursue my desires wholeheartedly without regard to the consequences or reality. I know what the outcome will be, but I just feel like going all out for it. Suddenly that surge of confidence and courage, coming out of nowhere, short lived, only to be followed by the thump of reality, hitting hard onto whatever piece of optimism you had there then.
When your heart sinks, it literally sinks.
You drop harder when you've got higher expectations. Sometimes I"m astounded by the way the world works. Everything is a two way relationship, without a mutual consent or agreement everything deteriorates, one party hurts and the other probably ignorant.
2012年10月11日 星期四
That
Two days of utter loneliness, caged inside my house, alone, catching up with all that accumulated work. It wasn't really enjoying silence, maybe because habit made makes me uneasy whenever the house is too quiet when I'm alone at home. Every pin drop becomes a huge quake.
Being alone makes you productive.
Being alone gives you peace and calm.
Being alone allows you to reflect upon yourself.
But it can go too far, you allow your emotions to take full control of your being. If only frustrations can flow like tears do.
When you're alone, you're vulnerable. Tears flow without a single warning, with the tiniest provocation. A slightest action sends you thinking beyond the skies, making the most far fetched conclusions. Yet you know they're not far fetched. Intuitions are normally true, and deep inside your heart you know that, you just don't want to face it.
The trivial things that make you sad. The things that you think you've gotten over, haunt you again.
You're not that strong after all, you realise. Maybe you've fallen deeper then you realise.
It's terrifying realising how fragile you are! I have the urge to just lie on someone's shoulders and cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, forcing all those disturbing thoughts, sadness, disappointments and frustrations to leave your mind. Don't ask me why, I'll never be able to say why. The words won't form.
I should really read more. The lack of vocabulary is making me feel stuck and suffocated. They can't be labelled any more. No description, no release. So instead they come in the form of tears.
I'm confused, really. Don't feel like making a change but, everything seems to be nudging at that direction. Maybe I shouldn't be so naive after all.
I keep telling myself to accept, accept, tolerate, pursue your desires. Do you have the courage?
Sometimes you just get so tired, all you want to do is lie still, be alone and stare into space.
I used to think that the highest standard of a close friend or partner you can reach is when you can be silent with each other, yet derive the utmost comfort from it. To be able to understand each other well enough without any guessing games, to not have to constantly entertain the other.
Otherwise I feel as if I've been entertaining people for far too long. Far too often. It's boring.
Often times I wonder if it is unlucky for me to be born with such a serious personality. I know myself, my core personality, it would most probably be considered a boring person. But oh well, I'm sorry. Not that I don't like crapping, having fun, making jokes but, not always. I'll admit, I like serious talk, I like to stay at home, I like to read, I like to stare into the sea and do nothing, I like to cry when I watch movies, I like to analyse what I read, what I see. Is that boring? I don't know. But people seem to get the wrong idea, thinking I'm what my surface personality promises.
I'm a nerd and I don't care.
AH. The woes.
I can't believe I'm still worried over these sort of things. How old am I?
It takes courage to own up to your true self, it may not be who you want yourself to be. I've always forced myself to know more people, make more friends, because I know that's what I want, I want friends, I want to feel loved, I want to feel important, but. But I'm so lazy to take the effort to do so. I should, I should.
I remember telling someone before that if I had the choice, I would be a hermit and stay inside a cave.
It would only succeed if you've never been exposed to the world, because you will learn to desire and fear. Victimized by peer pressure and mainstream beliefs. You can't escape.
When you leave me alone for too long, I escape into my little world, my little abyss that is obscured with darkness and ridiculous thoughts. I can't get back.
Being alone makes you productive.
Being alone gives you peace and calm.
Being alone allows you to reflect upon yourself.
But it can go too far, you allow your emotions to take full control of your being. If only frustrations can flow like tears do.
When you're alone, you're vulnerable. Tears flow without a single warning, with the tiniest provocation. A slightest action sends you thinking beyond the skies, making the most far fetched conclusions. Yet you know they're not far fetched. Intuitions are normally true, and deep inside your heart you know that, you just don't want to face it.
The trivial things that make you sad. The things that you think you've gotten over, haunt you again.
You're not that strong after all, you realise. Maybe you've fallen deeper then you realise.
It's terrifying realising how fragile you are! I have the urge to just lie on someone's shoulders and cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, forcing all those disturbing thoughts, sadness, disappointments and frustrations to leave your mind. Don't ask me why, I'll never be able to say why. The words won't form.
I should really read more. The lack of vocabulary is making me feel stuck and suffocated. They can't be labelled any more. No description, no release. So instead they come in the form of tears.
I'm confused, really. Don't feel like making a change but, everything seems to be nudging at that direction. Maybe I shouldn't be so naive after all.
I keep telling myself to accept, accept, tolerate, pursue your desires. Do you have the courage?
Sometimes you just get so tired, all you want to do is lie still, be alone and stare into space.
I used to think that the highest standard of a close friend or partner you can reach is when you can be silent with each other, yet derive the utmost comfort from it. To be able to understand each other well enough without any guessing games, to not have to constantly entertain the other.
Otherwise I feel as if I've been entertaining people for far too long. Far too often. It's boring.
Often times I wonder if it is unlucky for me to be born with such a serious personality. I know myself, my core personality, it would most probably be considered a boring person. But oh well, I'm sorry. Not that I don't like crapping, having fun, making jokes but, not always. I'll admit, I like serious talk, I like to stay at home, I like to read, I like to stare into the sea and do nothing, I like to cry when I watch movies, I like to analyse what I read, what I see. Is that boring? I don't know. But people seem to get the wrong idea, thinking I'm what my surface personality promises.
I'm a nerd and I don't care.
AH. The woes.
I can't believe I'm still worried over these sort of things. How old am I?
It takes courage to own up to your true self, it may not be who you want yourself to be. I've always forced myself to know more people, make more friends, because I know that's what I want, I want friends, I want to feel loved, I want to feel important, but. But I'm so lazy to take the effort to do so. I should, I should.
I remember telling someone before that if I had the choice, I would be a hermit and stay inside a cave.
It would only succeed if you've never been exposed to the world, because you will learn to desire and fear. Victimized by peer pressure and mainstream beliefs. You can't escape.
When you leave me alone for too long, I escape into my little world, my little abyss that is obscured with darkness and ridiculous thoughts. I can't get back.
2012年10月1日 星期一
Queer, queer feeling indeed.
After feeling so speechless for a long time, I was depending on today to be the lucky day where my thoughts will align and form words. It doesn't seem to be that way though. Everything is still jumbled up in the mess of my mind. There's one Chinese phrase that describes me perfectly, one that I haven't been able to translate into English appropriately.
少年不识愁滋味,为赋新词强说愁
I'm stuck. Probably habit has made me hinder from seeking help or advice from others, because that over- critical and sceptical mind of mind would most probably refuse to heed any of it, nor accept it. But the other more logical part of it will try to convince myself to accept it, put myself into someone else's shoe. The angel and devil then wages a war, sinking me deeper into confusion and this time, with severe frustration.
I know I'm incompetent, more then ever.
These days this thought keeps encircling my mind- we define the way we live. We define our lives and everything about it. Everyone has their own definitions for everything, and by chance we may come to find someone with similar definitions. Our definitions interact everyday, creating conflict, creating connections, creating confusion. Only tolerance and compassion serve as the mayonnaise that glues the world together.
Our fuel is that little bit of altruistic compassion, that little bit of selflessness.
Relationships are like so, aren't they? It would be impossible to find someone with whom you find every aspect pleasing. Most probably, the closer you get to the person, the more flaws you will begin to spot. They may repulse you, they may make you angry, but somehow, avoiding and running away doesn't solve anything, does it? Since that if you look around, you'll realise that every single person around you is as flawed as that person is. You've got no grounds to complain, because you're probably every bit as problematic as they are.
So we're all different and every bit as annoying to each other as we are to others. How do people get along in this world then? Tolerance? Empathy? Acceptance? Honesty? I'm not sure, I haven't figured that out yet. Should we let go of friendships that do not suit our preferences? Should it be a one-way decision?
I shouldn't be bothered about all these matters. But they're just fleeting thoughts that certain events trigger.
Maybe I AM that simple. Worrying over nothing.
Still, disappointment was unavoidable. You can't see further than that, can you?
少年不识愁滋味,为赋新词强说愁
I'm stuck. Probably habit has made me hinder from seeking help or advice from others, because that over- critical and sceptical mind of mind would most probably refuse to heed any of it, nor accept it. But the other more logical part of it will try to convince myself to accept it, put myself into someone else's shoe. The angel and devil then wages a war, sinking me deeper into confusion and this time, with severe frustration.
I know I'm incompetent, more then ever.
These days this thought keeps encircling my mind- we define the way we live. We define our lives and everything about it. Everyone has their own definitions for everything, and by chance we may come to find someone with similar definitions. Our definitions interact everyday, creating conflict, creating connections, creating confusion. Only tolerance and compassion serve as the mayonnaise that glues the world together.
Our fuel is that little bit of altruistic compassion, that little bit of selflessness.
Relationships are like so, aren't they? It would be impossible to find someone with whom you find every aspect pleasing. Most probably, the closer you get to the person, the more flaws you will begin to spot. They may repulse you, they may make you angry, but somehow, avoiding and running away doesn't solve anything, does it? Since that if you look around, you'll realise that every single person around you is as flawed as that person is. You've got no grounds to complain, because you're probably every bit as problematic as they are.
So we're all different and every bit as annoying to each other as we are to others. How do people get along in this world then? Tolerance? Empathy? Acceptance? Honesty? I'm not sure, I haven't figured that out yet. Should we let go of friendships that do not suit our preferences? Should it be a one-way decision?
I shouldn't be bothered about all these matters. But they're just fleeting thoughts that certain events trigger.
Maybe I AM that simple. Worrying over nothing.
Still, disappointment was unavoidable. You can't see further than that, can you?
2012年9月7日 星期五
痛心疾首
突然很想打华语. 虽然我每天在逼自己用英文来操作,不过到最后还是发现我比较喜欢用华语交谈,表达自己.应该是习惯吧.再坚持用英文多一些,就可以适应了.每天这样克制自己也不是很开心,所以心情很乱的时候就放肆一下也无妨.
明感,太明感了. 有些感觉就连自己也不敢承认拥有,因为实在是太丢脸了,我无法接受自己也会有这么的一天.被那么浅白的事物勒索着,竟然在意那么一个没意义的事.
在主流混久了,迟早也会被影响吧. 还是自己本来就过意不去,只是一直逃避现实告诉自己我不稀罕,我不介意,我不理会.
到最后是自己比任何人都更介意吧.
还是面对,接受这丑陋的事实好吧? 就承认自己是那么的庸俗,失败,脆弱.
勇敢的面对自己的短处!
我明感,任何点小细节都足以让我分析思考下定论. 不美的定论占多, 我宁愿相信最坏的预测.
我不喜欢爱情,因为它会让人选择. 因为它会让人不自由.因为它会让你知道, 嗯. 你永远不会是第一, 有她,就没有你.有他, 你算什么.爱情会让你想要拥有.
我没有那个资格.
要顾及形象,要顾及感受,要不迷失自己.何必?
我不喜欢别人突然和你停止联络.如果你讨厌我,就在我面前说.我最不喜欢隐藏,我最欣赏直接.
你有勇气当回真正的自己,就算多惹人厌也好,我就佩服你.
为什么要活着来娱乐别人.
可以不让我有胡思乱想的空间吗? 我真的会怀疑很多,我很多疑.不过巧的是,我怀疑的事情通常会成为事实,也许人有第六感是正确的吧.但是我还是不想面对这个事实,我宁愿相信这只是一个遐想.
哎.经常想成为另一个人.
明感,太明感了. 有些感觉就连自己也不敢承认拥有,因为实在是太丢脸了,我无法接受自己也会有这么的一天.被那么浅白的事物勒索着,竟然在意那么一个没意义的事.
在主流混久了,迟早也会被影响吧. 还是自己本来就过意不去,只是一直逃避现实告诉自己我不稀罕,我不介意,我不理会.
到最后是自己比任何人都更介意吧.
还是面对,接受这丑陋的事实好吧? 就承认自己是那么的庸俗,失败,脆弱.
勇敢的面对自己的短处!
我明感,任何点小细节都足以让我分析思考下定论. 不美的定论占多, 我宁愿相信最坏的预测.
我不喜欢爱情,因为它会让人选择. 因为它会让人不自由.因为它会让你知道, 嗯. 你永远不会是第一, 有她,就没有你.有他, 你算什么.爱情会让你想要拥有.
我没有那个资格.
要顾及形象,要顾及感受,要不迷失自己.何必?
我不喜欢别人突然和你停止联络.如果你讨厌我,就在我面前说.我最不喜欢隐藏,我最欣赏直接.
你有勇气当回真正的自己,就算多惹人厌也好,我就佩服你.
为什么要活着来娱乐别人.
可以不让我有胡思乱想的空间吗? 我真的会怀疑很多,我很多疑.不过巧的是,我怀疑的事情通常会成为事实,也许人有第六感是正确的吧.但是我还是不想面对这个事实,我宁愿相信这只是一个遐想.
哎.经常想成为另一个人.
2012年8月31日 星期五
Churning, pending, patience, frustration.
Maybe I'm just not fit to be in any language courses. I'm not talented in that area, much less an expertise in any spoken or written language. There's no clear slot for each of them in my mind, they get jumbled up all the time. What's so good about being multilingual? I get so frustrated every time a certain word can't be omitted from that huge archive of words inside my memory when I'm in desperate need for it. Everything in my life has to be labelled with a word, described with a phrase, explained with a sentence. Weird as it is, this helps the control freak in me get a sense of control and clear direction in life. I can't function without words! So that only goes to show how lack of vocabulary affects my emotional well being.
Oh thou Chinese and Malay, can you stay out of English's way? Let it through and save me from all that anxiety.
Talking about control freaks, I think mine is gradually dominating my life. Everything is revolving around me, me and me only, self possessed, self obsessed, lost, trying desperately to get ahold of the steering wheel, which is spinning around madly, too fast for me to hold onto, the ship heads into abyss, everything is thrown off board.
Oh thou Chinese and Malay, can you stay out of English's way? Let it through and save me from all that anxiety.
Talking about control freaks, I think mine is gradually dominating my life. Everything is revolving around me, me and me only, self possessed, self obsessed, lost, trying desperately to get ahold of the steering wheel, which is spinning around madly, too fast for me to hold onto, the ship heads into abyss, everything is thrown off board.
2012年8月27日 星期一
Affected by the most trivial of matters
Oh you sensitive soul. Do you know why I don't let you go wandering at times?
The more you see, the more you desire. You'll began to notice the smallest of things,
fret over the loss of attention, be ever so sensitive over what you don't have but others have.
Greediness will spread, it'll be beyond your control, and you'll not even know you've sunk deep unto it.
Only when you've already evolved to suit it's style and being, then you notice that you're the same color- as everything about you.
Can you still differentiate which one is you?
The more you see, the more you desire. You'll began to notice the smallest of things,
fret over the loss of attention, be ever so sensitive over what you don't have but others have.
Greediness will spread, it'll be beyond your control, and you'll not even know you've sunk deep unto it.
Only when you've already evolved to suit it's style and being, then you notice that you're the same color- as everything about you.
Can you still differentiate which one is you?
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