BAH!

Prior to entering Inti, i was a daredevil who carried the notion that WHO CARE if i was alone? It was my aim to be a diligent and submissive girl who hid in libraries all day long but who stills participates in all sorts of activities. Why I had thought that, i don't know. But i realized that dreams differ from reality. I couldn't stand the loneliness! Somehow peer pressure still manages to hit me in the stomach. So now all i can say to myself is :" STOP getting HUNG UP over it!" Right now the fact that i haven't made a constant friend worries me and leaves me fearing that i wouldn't have a lunch buddy. Having lunch alone just seem so sad, whatever my previous mindset thinks. I don't wanna have lunch alone! THe friends i'm making now all seem to already have partners so i feel like i have to keep changing friends for different periods. Ah. No security. I used to always anticipate the western way of going to classes, where you don't belong to one class but you actually choose your subjects and everyone has a different timetable. But now, after truly experiencing it, leaves me yearning for the old fashioned way of schooling. My Chong Hwa years. Everyone from the same class had a same timetable and we had to just sit in the class, wait for the teacher's arrival. Everyone had the same recess time, so we didn't have to worry about anything. Thinking about this won't do me any good though. I';; just have to be more outgoing and stop staring into space(i keep doing that lately!). Know more people! yay! :D

Boo!

WIll i meet new friends? Will i get along with them?
I wonder what sort of people my new classmates will be?
I admit there are a certain sort of people that i can't get along with,
not in the negative way, just in that "erm..what to talk about? awkward awkward" type.
seventeen years of meeting people,
i do realise that i am not a master of making new friends
Awkward silences seem to follow me wherever i go, as much as i try to avoid them.
ah.

Just go with the flow?

Bling bling.

I can see the money disappearing in the sky. This decision is going to cost loads of money and burden my parents. It's going to be a different world, an unknown territory. I don't know if i can survive it peacefully and still get a good grip on my studies and results but that'll have to do, no other options. Nothing but perseverance, diligence and courage can get me through, i guess. No more safe haven. I'm left on my own. Let's hope that it wouldn't be too hard and terrifying. to study is the priority! Good results, great future. Go Go GO!!!

The next two years

Forgive me if my review of my last five years anre tinged with negativity and sadness. That's how i like to view things because it is through this that i will learn and change myself, in order to become a better person :0

F4 was a... year of distraction, improvement, desparation, realization, and decadence. i failed in all my exams, i neglected my responsibilities both in class, society and at home. I treated my friends badly, and had a tough time figuring things out. Academic success was not my priority, to sort out the mess i was in came first in my mind. It probably doesn't seem like a mess to others at all, but i was struggling all day. Over what exactly, i don't even know. The only thing i knew was that i was dissatisfied with everything, angry that i wasn't who i wanted to be. why didn't anything turn out as i want it to be? Friends? ah. i didn't make much this year, definitedly. THe ones i had? i neglected them and in some circumstances, bullied them. Sorry, my neighbour. You were so amiable and nice, always taking care of me but i was always rude and horrible to you, using your kindness. Sorry, my partner(sort of.)You were so incredible, such a great leader, that i always had the notion that you didn't need anyone's help, much less mine. I felt that i couldn't do anything for you, i couldn't even figure out my own problem. So when you fell, i wasn't there to help you. i'm so sorry. Horrible isn't it? I hope i will not make the same mistake again. Then again, nothing's bad all the way, is it? I had a lot of great memories this year, playing volleyball, going crazy, japanese friends, bon odori, boiling eggs in class, drinking tea, eating maggi... We may not be the closest of buddies, but i certainly enjoyed my time with you guys tremendously. OUr classroom was at a block cut off from others, isolated. To get there you had two routes, one through the smelly, dirty and narrow pathway of the hostel's kitchen, the other through the walkway beside the sports complex( it isn't a complex actually). I used to like to wander along that walkway before getting into class, alone. THe morning sky, always so gentle, soothes my frizzled nerves and worried mind. I loved walking alone, along the empty walkway, and just enjoying the fresh air, distant rumbles of students chatter, feel the breeze of cool air, listen to the birds chirping. SO that was 2010, one of the changing points in my life.

f5 was fun, nice. at the start of the year i thought to myself, this was going to be my year and i will work ever so hard to regain what i lost. I did it, and im glad i did it. The class i entered was not the best of all, but i met several close friends this year and they were the best people ever. Kind, loving, caring and simply wonderful. Thank you guys, for making my year, especially to you, ww :) It was a year faced with numerous hardships, but even though terrifying, im glad i got through it. really. The fruit of perseverance and diligence was tasted, and i got a clearer look in life. Doubt will always come, but i will deal with it.

Let's hope for an even better 2012!
Ganbatte!!!!! :D

Two o one two

Its horrible. Why do I feel so low and discouraged every time I see some other person's blog?
Their life seems so fulfilled and merry, full of friends and activities
Whereas mine seems dreary in comparison
I don't have that much friends
No gang
I don't go out that much
I like to daydream
I tend to wander off alone

Whoops.

I sound like I do not have a life
And I wasted off five years.

Hmm.
It's fine, I hope. :)
Wish that somebody will be able to accept me as I am, and endure my silences

I hope that I can be first in someone 's heart.

School life

I just HAVE to write something about it. It is so like me to leave it to the last minute to compose this post though.

This five years in Chong hwa has been a great experience for me, a journey of self discovery and learning.
As much as I criticise my school and teachers( unfortunately, all the time) I still appreciate them very much for broadening my knowledge(hmm... At least those lessons that I pay attention to) and providing opportunities for me to improve myself and see the world.

Form one was a fun and careless year. I didn't pay attention to half of my lessons and memorised my way to exams. I met new friends, made some( to be precise, one) enemies( for being too noisy=.=) but all in all, had a great year. I realised that I wasn't the very sociable type of people, I was a little shy in front of people that I think are way out of my league, don't really know how to communicate with guys and pretty much ignored teachers of whom I think are boring. Oh, and I learned how to be alone. :) other than that, I had a blast playing and talking all the time in class, to the extent of pouring water into someone's pencil box, sitting between rows and playing during class, and beaten with a cane on my backside. Hmm.

Form two was a low point in my five years. I used to put the blame on the inefficiency if my form teacher then but now I realised we were also much at fault. I was placed in a class of whom non of my besties last year were in, so I spent much of my time with two of my sort of new friends. Pretty much the whole year was spent fooling around with them. I yearned to know other people too, especially the boys but to no avail. I did get to know joy and gang and had a great time with them but for the majority of the class, we remained strangers that don't even say hi when we meet elsewhere. It was an awkward year for me, as I navigated around different gangs and tried to learn how to communicate. Life in society was depressing too, as I didn't really fit in with their crowd, except for xy, and had ultra low self confidence then. I couldn't do anything right, but others could. I failed my responsibilities. My superiors, who did not take much notice of me, did comment on my inability but I have to thank them tremendously for continuously believing in me and always giving me chances. Seriously.

Form three had a lot of embarrassing moments and happy memories. Unfortunately, the happy memories are often tinged with dissatisfaction or disappointment. I was still trying to figure out my personality and my role in a crowd, trying desperately to regain self confidence and do a good job. I tried really hard to get along with someone, someone I desperately wanted to know well, but in the end it could not work out. That left me in shreds actually, as it seems to imply that I am a loser social wise. I made a lot of good friends, had a wonderful time with them, but once again it was interrupted by my ever present worries of being left out or hated. I met someone, a senior in my society that taught me a lot and showed me a different way of surviving in the demanding and suffocating world of my society. He made me see things in a new light, so I thank him a lot a lot a lot :D xy was still my model though. Hehe.

I'm bored typing. Leave the last two years for another day. Yay.

I hate making decisions!

And writing about them too.
So let's not deal on that,yeah?

Sometimes I imagine that I am someone else,
Or have a personality and character that I dreaam of but obviously, do not possess
It can get pretty sad and discouraging, this hobby.
Making me feel useless,tiny and ever so vulnerable
But along the years, I have learned to accept who I am
I may not be who I want to be, but I am who I am, which is an unchangeable fact.
So why spend time yearning for something that can never be?
Yeah. I'm happy. I guess. Hees.