Stereotype

I don't want to be stereotyped into a certain personality that I'm not. Do you know how horrible it is to be expected to behave someway? Of course, no one 's bearing a knife down my back to pressurize me but that feeling is unignorable. Being with two of them mass com girls made me suddenly want to back step my decision. Can I "roll" with them? Am I that sort of people? Somehow or rather mentally I keep pushing myself to be someone else, more outspoken, more active, more LIKE THEM. But it's exhausting. How am I able to withstand the peer pressure, or the expectation of me? How I wish I had more self confidence so that I wouldn't bend under all these mirages that I make up myself. Are they true? I know they're not but like a mirage, it makes you believe that it is. Just stating out the science behind the phenomenon will not resolve my thirst for something better, to become someone who is much loved, given attention and excels. I'm eighteen now, but I don't seem to have gotten any mature. Therefore my aim, is to be able to overcome all these negative feelings and boost my self esteem. I will not be anybody but myself. Who saYs everybody must be that way? Who?

Hmm. Get OVER it.

STUDY!

blah. I remember how i never could study or read a book when i stayed back in school last time. I was always preoccupied, either by talking with friends or just staring at the people passing by. That is one big flaw i have to overcome. Distraction comes easily for me, thus i cannot participate in any sort of group study. It'll be a wonder if i can study at all. As people say, new year, new start, I'm going to try to discipline myself this year! My aim? To be able to sit in the library and READ! To stop my mind from wandering and my legs from carrying my body to the computer lab. read read read girl!

BAH!

Prior to entering Inti, i was a daredevil who carried the notion that WHO CARE if i was alone? It was my aim to be a diligent and submissive girl who hid in libraries all day long but who stills participates in all sorts of activities. Why I had thought that, i don't know. But i realized that dreams differ from reality. I couldn't stand the loneliness! Somehow peer pressure still manages to hit me in the stomach. So now all i can say to myself is :" STOP getting HUNG UP over it!" Right now the fact that i haven't made a constant friend worries me and leaves me fearing that i wouldn't have a lunch buddy. Having lunch alone just seem so sad, whatever my previous mindset thinks. I don't wanna have lunch alone! THe friends i'm making now all seem to already have partners so i feel like i have to keep changing friends for different periods. Ah. No security. I used to always anticipate the western way of going to classes, where you don't belong to one class but you actually choose your subjects and everyone has a different timetable. But now, after truly experiencing it, leaves me yearning for the old fashioned way of schooling. My Chong Hwa years. Everyone from the same class had a same timetable and we had to just sit in the class, wait for the teacher's arrival. Everyone had the same recess time, so we didn't have to worry about anything. Thinking about this won't do me any good though. I';; just have to be more outgoing and stop staring into space(i keep doing that lately!). Know more people! yay! :D

Boo!

WIll i meet new friends? Will i get along with them?
I wonder what sort of people my new classmates will be?
I admit there are a certain sort of people that i can't get along with,
not in the negative way, just in that "erm..what to talk about? awkward awkward" type.
seventeen years of meeting people,
i do realise that i am not a master of making new friends
Awkward silences seem to follow me wherever i go, as much as i try to avoid them.
ah.

Just go with the flow?

Bling bling.

I can see the money disappearing in the sky. This decision is going to cost loads of money and burden my parents. It's going to be a different world, an unknown territory. I don't know if i can survive it peacefully and still get a good grip on my studies and results but that'll have to do, no other options. Nothing but perseverance, diligence and courage can get me through, i guess. No more safe haven. I'm left on my own. Let's hope that it wouldn't be too hard and terrifying. to study is the priority! Good results, great future. Go Go GO!!!

The next two years

Forgive me if my review of my last five years anre tinged with negativity and sadness. That's how i like to view things because it is through this that i will learn and change myself, in order to become a better person :0

F4 was a... year of distraction, improvement, desparation, realization, and decadence. i failed in all my exams, i neglected my responsibilities both in class, society and at home. I treated my friends badly, and had a tough time figuring things out. Academic success was not my priority, to sort out the mess i was in came first in my mind. It probably doesn't seem like a mess to others at all, but i was struggling all day. Over what exactly, i don't even know. The only thing i knew was that i was dissatisfied with everything, angry that i wasn't who i wanted to be. why didn't anything turn out as i want it to be? Friends? ah. i didn't make much this year, definitedly. THe ones i had? i neglected them and in some circumstances, bullied them. Sorry, my neighbour. You were so amiable and nice, always taking care of me but i was always rude and horrible to you, using your kindness. Sorry, my partner(sort of.)You were so incredible, such a great leader, that i always had the notion that you didn't need anyone's help, much less mine. I felt that i couldn't do anything for you, i couldn't even figure out my own problem. So when you fell, i wasn't there to help you. i'm so sorry. Horrible isn't it? I hope i will not make the same mistake again. Then again, nothing's bad all the way, is it? I had a lot of great memories this year, playing volleyball, going crazy, japanese friends, bon odori, boiling eggs in class, drinking tea, eating maggi... We may not be the closest of buddies, but i certainly enjoyed my time with you guys tremendously. OUr classroom was at a block cut off from others, isolated. To get there you had two routes, one through the smelly, dirty and narrow pathway of the hostel's kitchen, the other through the walkway beside the sports complex( it isn't a complex actually). I used to like to wander along that walkway before getting into class, alone. THe morning sky, always so gentle, soothes my frizzled nerves and worried mind. I loved walking alone, along the empty walkway, and just enjoying the fresh air, distant rumbles of students chatter, feel the breeze of cool air, listen to the birds chirping. SO that was 2010, one of the changing points in my life.

f5 was fun, nice. at the start of the year i thought to myself, this was going to be my year and i will work ever so hard to regain what i lost. I did it, and im glad i did it. The class i entered was not the best of all, but i met several close friends this year and they were the best people ever. Kind, loving, caring and simply wonderful. Thank you guys, for making my year, especially to you, ww :) It was a year faced with numerous hardships, but even though terrifying, im glad i got through it. really. The fruit of perseverance and diligence was tasted, and i got a clearer look in life. Doubt will always come, but i will deal with it.

Let's hope for an even better 2012!
Ganbatte!!!!! :D

Two o one two

Its horrible. Why do I feel so low and discouraged every time I see some other person's blog?
Their life seems so fulfilled and merry, full of friends and activities
Whereas mine seems dreary in comparison
I don't have that much friends
No gang
I don't go out that much
I like to daydream
I tend to wander off alone

Whoops.

I sound like I do not have a life
And I wasted off five years.

Hmm.
It's fine, I hope. :)
Wish that somebody will be able to accept me as I am, and endure my silences

I hope that I can be first in someone 's heart.