Failed

Fail to live up to my expectations, really. I try to push myself to stop wasting time but to no avail. Never successful. My mind is always too distracted to do anything else. I want a clear and focused mind, please? Stop floating around me, you annoying thoughts and dramas. Leave me alone in my own quiet corner. Often I have the urge to just scream, scream, scream, scream and scream to release everything out of my heart. Scream and cry, cry, cry, cry and cry. Allow all those frustrations to flow with my salty tears, ever so precious that they will not come out. It will not solve anything though. Everything crashes down again right after that feeling of calm transcends for a second or two. I want to let go, I want to move on. Why is history repeating itself,  I don't know. Am I destined to be that way? How long more will I have to wait? All I can unearth are shortcomings, faults, errors, mistakes thrown in my face. If they had a face, it would be one of an evil smirk. Unbelievable, how can one trip so many times when going through the same path. When are you ever going to learn? Just stop, tidy yourself, do what you have to do, and forget everything else. Everything else. Human emotions can bring destruction. Destruction mentally, then it will go on to wreak havoc physically. If only I were a robot. Malaysian athletes are often criticised for being weak mentally, citing that as the main reason why we cannot progress on that field as others can. I'm the same too. Maybe it's in our genes.

" I don't like triangles, I like circles."
Simple Simon, I envy your life sometimes.
Life according to an equation, a spaceship to hide in when things go awry, when you need to hide for a while. What have we got? Nothing but the crowd, noise, things to do and unspeakable emotions.

Tekkonkinkreet!

This is like a childhood dream realised. Since the last time I saw still shots from this movie on a magazine, I've been hunting it down for years and years. I still wonder why didn't it cross my mind to just google " Watch Tekkonkinkreet online free" in the past, as I did in the present and successfully viewed this beautiful movie, albeit it's compromising quality. The art is exquisite, as expected. Even though the character designs take some getting used to at first, I grew to love it's raw, authentic feel to it. Their expressions were spot-on. The most attractive bit, of course, shall have to go to the scenery. Kudos to the designers! Treasure Town is beautifully designed, conveying every bit of mystique, shabbiness, bustle and darkness perfectly through its weirdly shaped and complicated buildings. That's what attracted me to this movie in the first place, and I've got to say, it wasn't a let down! Ah. It's always wonderful after watching an awesome film.

OK I'LL ADMIT IT

I'M TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED BEYOND MY GUTS TO WRITE. I'M AFRAID THAT MY SKILL ISN'T UP TO OTHERS EXPECTATIONS, INCOMPETENT IN THE FIELD I'M MAJORING IN. NOW ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH WRITING I AVOID, PROCRASTINATE, DELAY AND ONLY ATTEMPT TO DO SO WHEN THERE'S NO ONE AROUND.

EH. COWARD.

Bury em!

All these conflicting feelings and thoughts, bury them out of sight, out of mind!
Cease to be affected, continue to live according to will!

How to climb?

Life to me is constantly overcoming hills, mountains, slopes, pits, holes, dumps, valleys, dumps... what else?

So I'm always trying to get over something, because there's always that Something bothering me.

But what if it hurts so much? I hike halfway up that steep slope, only to find tumbling stones pushing me back to where I was, this time with painful wounds and scratches. The sort where you never notice until the blood forms some terrifying pattern on your skin, so thick you can't even identify the source.

I don't know how to get past this particular hill. It grows taller every time after I've reached the peak and feel satisfied, crushing whatever optimism I had there a second ago.

So... how do things go?

Different crowds really make you think differently. They're a group of highly ambitious, work-driven yet fun- loving people. Certainly a great source of motivation, inspiration AND stress. 

Don't worry, I'll catch up to you guys.

Puzzles, juicy puzzles!

Analysing movies are always a fun thing to do. Especially when your theory fits every detail in the the show and the message conveyed can be related to your life. Often times I will only shape my theories after reading tons of online movie reviews( I know, it's pointless that way) but the stuff I believe in normally differs from others, it becomes tailored to suit my thoughts. So maybe that's the reason I never dare to publicly discuss my views on movies because they may deviate so much from the original message. 

Lately this movie, or rather collection of three short films dubbed "Tokyo!" caught my attention. I first saw Shaking Tokyo, by a korean director called Bong Joon Ho some three years ago, without knowing its name, director or movie. It left such a deep impression in my mind that certain scenes in the movie kept appearing in my mind all the time, until I finally found the movie on the internet. The other two short films were inspiring as well, but I have to say, Shaking Tokyo was the best.

I shall post my thoughts about these three films when I'm ready.

I love these buttons. Seems like what I would do :)

Some thing that I can't figure out yet.

Stream

Sometimes I feel like I'm the rock right in the middle of a fast flowing stream.
So, life pasts me by in high speed while I, fail to move at all.
Not that it's a waste of time or anything. I get smoother and slicker from all that water crashing unto me.
For what use? Who knows. It's not as if the water will lift me from  the water bed at any time. I reckon I'll still be around for.... well. quite some time.

Deja Vu! I've become so dependent on that someone, understanding. Resembles someone else in my life too much, of whom, played a big part in moulding me to be whoever I am now.  Eh?

Out of touch. Sometimes it seems as if I put on another mask just to survive in this world, when the true me is totally different from the surface. Quite disappointing, really, when you peep under that facade. There's nothing much there.