Time, my friend and foe

Sometimes I think that my living room clock will run away. Everyday, my pair of eyes will burn holes through them, either wishing those three tiny little arms of it will turn faster or halt all movement. Poor little thing, it must live in fear and insecurity all this time, without any privacy or leisure. It has to continue running at all costs, no matter the desire of its owner. Only its metallic heart can dictate its life, and end it when the charges stop flowing. 

In the past, time was my friend when it approached six o' clock in the evening. I would switch on the television and spend an hour watching my favourite cartoons. In just half an hour, time becomes my foe, especially when the hour approaches seven. 

Now, time is my foe when I have fun. As if it were in for revenge, the older I grow, the stronger those three little arms become and the faster they move. They probably smirk with delight whenever I waste my time and look at the clock in dismay after spending time watching movies when I should be studying. 

Suddenly, July is right at the corner. How fast time flies, I haven't gotten a grasp of it yet. Time is slipping through my fingers without me even realising that I had sand on my hand. That's how bad it is.

I feel as if I'm very far away from my dreams. My ambition. That sad excuse of a movie actually achieved something after all, with it's naive and innocent message of " follow your dreams! Believe in yourself and it shall come true!". When was the last time I properly thought about my future and took steps towards materialising it? I've been too caught up in life, with all those tiny little blips that temporarily blind me, trip me. I can already feel the oncoming regret when I want to apply for colleges only to realise that I have nothing impressing on my transcript, that I don't have enough experience, that I don't qualify for the course. Or worse, then I finish my studies, and realise that I don't suit what I studied. That my decision was incorrect.

Truth to say, the future fills my with fear sometimes. I get panicked, terrorised when I think about what I should be, what I should do that I'm not doing currently. That I should join more activities, gain more experience, read more books, be more concerned about world issues. I want to join an editorial board, I want to support an environmental cause, I want to think critically, I want to improve my communication skills. Instead of wasting my everyday this way, lounging around the living room all day surfing Facebook, watching movies, it's my life I'm losing. And yet whenever I get absorbed into my current life, all these seems insignificant to me. But once I'm alone, calm and begin to think. They flood onto me. 

What should I do about my future? It seems as if the barrier keeping me from moving forward, other then complacency and laziness is lack of confidence. I don't have the necessary skills, or the capability to ace in this field. What if I fail? What if I can't find a job? What if they won't accept me? What if I regret the decision I make now?

Aiesec, wwf, green foundation. I missed these chances, why?

Because I was too caught up in my current life.

I always complain that I don't have enough time, but truth to say a lot of it were lost in useless stuff. I can have more time, if I wanted to.