Randomly

I miss brainstorming, meeting, communicating and planning. Humans are weird, aren't they? I used to hate doing these seemingly menial jobs but now that I have nothing but studying to do, they become favourable. I suppose it may be because last time I had to do it as a job, with responsibilities burdening my shoulders with every decision I take. Furthermore, it was tough studying and doing these stuff at the same time with very limited time. You become exhausted both mentally and physically hence it wouldn't be illogical to detest being "busy". All I wanted at that time was to have a day of leisure, doing nothing at home without any worries or datelines to keep. Every other activity that wasn't compulsory to attend to would be pushed away, with the excuses that I was too busy. Those were the factors that formed my hermit -like mindset.

I hope that'll change, but not too much. The serene and calmness you can gain is priceless and brings wonders to your imagination,serving as a source of inspiration. But right now, I just hope that I can be a committee member of some sort of club( editorial editorial! LOL) so I can delve head first into it.

Too nice

Be nice, be patient and treat people kindly, zhai.

That's what I keep telling myself when I meet a Certain-Sort-Of-People. They're the all-nice, forever smiling, never angry and helpful people. This explanation seems kind of vague but I'm sure you get what I mean. Once you mention the name of this person to someone else, they will break into a smile and say :"AH! HIM/HER! wah, he/she's so nice lah!" and their image in your mind will always be someone grinning ear to ear with arms wide open saying " HELLO! No it's okay! I'm not angry!" then proceed to hug you( okay this may not be part of it). But you get the gist. Whenever I meet this people, they trigger an Evil-Nat in me to be vicious, impatient, and rude to them. It will almost seem as if I'm bullying them ( DUH) because I know they'll never get angry and will still help you anyway. I've met a fair portion of them in my life and have only succeeded in NOT switching on that treacherous system once. I once told him :" You're too nice, seriously. I feel guilty everytime i talk to you. Please don't be so forgiving! Be bad!" He just smiled and went " Got meh?". Dang. (it's not just me he's nice to, of course. It's EVERYONE)For the only nicy person who escaped my grasp, she was a cute and loving girl. Somehow I looked up to her too much to become that monster( NOW it seems as if I don't look up to the others. But I do! I do!) I think one of the reasons is because there were people doing that to her at that time and I could see it crystal clear how horrible it was, so no-thank-you.

wah. I'm BAD.

no lar. not so. I don't swear or beat them up.

right. justify yourself.

But really! It's not a big thing!

You think.

It's just some small flares of temper. No harm done.

are you talking to yourself?

:DD

Wahlao.

I always have tons of stuff to blog in my head. WHICH, disappear once my fingers hit the keyboard. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? Is it that the keyboard( which is very comfortable to touch, btw) is a semi permeable membrane that allows thoughts to diffuse through? Why are you so selfish, keyboard? It's not as if you have anything worthwhile to do with my mindless thoughts. They're just random nothings, my useless babbling that I do with myself( sadly) everyday. What? You're saying that I'm lame talking to myself? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOU! I can be however lame I want! Everybody gets to choose who they want to be, so I'm going to be LAME. How unique is that? It's not everyday that you get people opting to be something not glamorous or popular. Give me back my thoughts, keyboard. I'm a nice and reasonable person so I'm not going to dissect you or even harm you. You may think that you're doing me a favour, preventing me from embarrassing myself by exposing my raw self out in this blog but you are SO wrong. There's no other outlet for me to bare my emotions like this, except for typing here. Somehow blogging soothes my soul, calms my nerves and reduces my stress. Have pity on me, keyboard. I don't care how sad I look here. I may look like a sad old lonely soul who's selfish, overbearing and immature but that's part of me, deep inside those layers of sugar outfits. I can't be that smiling happy person all the time, yar? Give me back.




ps. i am talking to a non living thing. O. M. G

Something's wired wrong today

When I woke up, i saw the world in a pale orange-reddish tinge, with no motion outside whatsover, not even a creep was heard. I could only feel myself get off the car, tug my huge bag along and walk up to the door. Maybe I had a sleepy-head, maybe the world just turned in a opposite direction. Everything's weird! Lifeless, sad, i can feel the air filled with despair and what? I can't find the word in english. 呆滞.

Today was just horrible. I felt tired all the time, i even fell asleep studying chemistry in the library in an awkward position for everyone to see. Fine. Then I didn't feel like talking at all the whole day. For one, i couldn't think of any topic to talk about with anyone. SUddenly I became a boring old nerdy girl who sits there eating quietly or reading when everyone on the table is brawling with laughter. I JUST CAN"T JOIN IN! OR TALK! That fatigue seems to just overwhelm me, shutting my mouth and mind tight. Well, as a realistic person, if i can't talk, why waste the time smiling, nodding and pretending you understand? I might as well study.

This is not the first time i contracted this "disease". It happened quite a lot of times last year too, where i could spend a whole day NOT talking at all and just ignoring some funny remarks, sleep between periods and carry about doing my work like a zombie. Quite satisfying, really. But that was in the past when i had close friends who didn't mind me doing that( i love you, soowen!! XD). WAH! suddenly thinking about that is blissful. Maybe i should do that tomorrow? Socialising can really be tiring especially for someone as hermit-like as me. Or not. I can't figure myself out sometimes. Occasionally i'm high- powered and noisy otherwise it's moody girl out don't mess with me attitude.

i need a PSYCHIATRIST!!! WAH!

Backstep

Ever had the feeling of instant regret for taking a decision?
The kind where when you MADE the decision, you knew you were going to regret it sometime later but you decide to take a chance and test your limits.
Of course, the regrets DO come and you are left feeling worst then ever,
trying to live in denial and pure bull-headedness against any advice given

currently i'm lost in this limbo now, stuck wondering whether or not this career is suitable for me. Everything seems to point otherwise, deeming me totally incompatible with it. I seem to lack to many of the job's essential requirements and i'm starting to lose heart, lose faith. Who knew what i was thinking back then that i could hold on to something till the end? But i know that nothing comes without perseverence and diligence. I'm only feeling this way because of my own fault, for not trying hard enough and hoping to achieve success without contributing or striving. That's a lousy mindset of a loser, definitely. Please, work harder.

whew

I'm sitting in the library now, using the computer. There are two indians opposite me,
and they're listening to chinese songs. I don't even listen to chinese songs. I met a guy the other day, who was a chinese but knows how to speak tamil. Huh? Diverse much?

Anyway, that's not the main point of this post. I'm suddenly getting bouts of regret and anxiety. Suddenly, i miss science and Chong Hwa maths a lot, and i regret that i didn't major in science. Maybe i should have chosen science as a major and journalism as a minor. It seems more worthwhile to study science, the tough one. The science i study now is a recap of what i studied in form five, so it seems much easier. Though rusty, i'm sure i be able to retrieve that memory.
eeks.

Public transport.

Ever tried a sauna that offers you a wide stunning view of the city and activates your sweat glands without you having to take off your clothes? Not only that, you are able to socialize and listen to other peoples conversations as you do your thing. The moving view of the claustrophobic high rise buildings, the cloud studded blue sky and screeching of metals, provide an extraordinary ambience for you. As you sweat your clothes out, you can exercise at the same time, stretch your arms and hug someone, open your legs wide and push all your weight onto the floor of the coach, or even try to hang on for your dear life onto someone. It also provides a surprise for you at certain intervals by sending a jolt through everyone, resulting in a backward domino effect. You can play the game of "grab for your dear life!" game at those instances. It is nothing but sheer fun. Of course, no man is an island hence we as humans must always utilize our time to communicate with others. This sauna also offers this sort of services, stopping inconsistently at the middle of nowhere so you have a chance to talk to your neighbors. Even though it may take hours to get to your destination, so what? How much benefit can you reap! Seriously. The train. It gives me a chance to experience what being a waterfall feels like.

Ps. Nah. I know all trains are like that. Not complaining here, just felt like expressing my sentiments. Haha.