Sooner or later

Deja vu, very much. I seem to remember meeting someone like this, of whom I envy everything the person has and hope, to be a little or more like the person. But then I dislike the person at the same time too, because that person doesn't give me due attention but instead grabs others' time and affection. I start feeling left out, even if they extend their arms towards me the dynamics are different already. I can't see them in the same light anymore. Then, My emotions towards that person will gradually transform into hatred. Why, why take everything of mine away from me, when I don't even have much? This over paranoia is probably remnants of some childhood betrayal experience. Too long to elaborate. But I have a faint memory of becoming good friends with that person in the end, and then proceed to wonder how could I ever have had such horrible thoughts. So, is it happening now? I'm tired, to make anymore effort full communication. Yes, journalism is not your conventional mass communication subject so stop stereotyping me into becoming someone who's chatty and communicates constantly. I just can't be bothered, I'm sorry. Insecurity frequently bugs me, then I ponder whether do I have friends. Often then now, I come to the conclusion of no. Then, in reality, I seem to have too much. Huh. Slipping back into the same mud, yeah. Wide circle of friends but little close ones. Why am I moaning here? Hmmm, mm,mmmmmm.